"Your words have no power to alter the truth. Your perception does not affect any reality but your own... it is your words and deeds that cast your reflection. "

~Luna Jade, musician

Sunday, July 31, 2011


We're going to take a little break and take a slight tangent. This seems to be the right place for one.

I'm a Leo, albeit a very atypical one. I seem to have more Cancer qualities to me and it's more than likely because I was born in the earlier half of the Lion's reign. The confidence and ambitiousness strengths of the Leo never seemed to take hold with me and thankfully the only weaknesses I did manage to get were being melodramatic and stubborn. However, I managed to get every strength and every friggin weakness of a Cancer. Thanks to the lack of confidence, I was already halfway being dominated  even without a strong person in my life which really sucked. The jerk... well he was a Virgo. Let me rephrase that, he was a Virgo/Leo in all the weaknesses and very little of the positive strengths. Definitely NOT a good match.

Growing up, I certainly didn't act my age.  I much preferred to stay home and study than go out with my friends. Not that I had many in school and those I did have didn't live close enough to hang out with.  As I go through some of their pictures on Facebook, I see how much I truly missed out. It saddens me to know how very invisible I was to everyone. On the plus side, I never got beat up or exposed to any of the nasty pranks that many of the others got. The only time I was visible was when someone needed something. Now that I think back, maybe that's why I was so invisible... maybe it was just that some of the higher echelon had deemed that I was to be left alone and in the process made me invisible to those that would normally give me problems. I guess I should be grateful. To be honest, I think it would have been better if they hadn't as then I would have been prepared to handle the fkndickweed when he showed up. I would have known what was acceptable and what wasn't and not just sat back and been thankful for just any kind of attention. I wouldn't have been desperate. When I did go out, it was to the community theatre with my folks to help out.  Most of my truest friends were there and were a good 10-15 years or more older than me. The theatre was a second home to me and I felt comfortable around most of them. Maybe this was part of my problem in school, that I didn't consider them mature enough and I projected an aloofness?

Home was nice, at best. I know now that we didn't have much, otherwise we would have been living somewhere much nicer. Thinking back, I doubt a nicer place would have changed anything. As much as I didn't mind being invited to others' homes, I just never felt comfortable around other people and all I wanted to do was hide in a corner. The more people invited over (like in a party situation), the less comfortable I was. I never ever invited anyone to our home for much the same reason. Oh, yeah, my friends had nicer homes, but somehow I doubt that I would have invited anyone over even if we lived in a big beautiful home.  I'm going to own up to that right now. There's always been something a little off about me and I've yet to be able to put a finger on it. I wanted to be accepted and loved, yet I was either too shy to interact with people or simply too awkward. In either case, I already had this anxiety working against me.

Although we didn't have much, home was at least comfortable with all the necessities covered. Food on the table, a roof over our heads, clean clothes on our backs and transportation to where we need to be are usually the standard things people think of when they think of the needs. There are other things that we take for granted that really are needed in this day and age. When these items become a luxury, the quality of life takes a turn for the worst. I was used to at least the needs and these items being met. I was used to being comfortable.

Now back to our creepy little place.

The livingroom, used to be a store front. So it had this huge window taking up almost the entire wall along the street. If we were to cut the glass out and step through it, we'd drop neatly on the sidewalk. Yeah, it was that close to the apartment. We had to settle for these cheap cafe sized curtains because we didn't have enough money for the heavy duty rods that "real" curtains would have required, nevermind the curtains themselves. The curtains afforded a little privacy from the street, but nothing from those in the second floor or on the roof of the buildings across the street. Do you think that this would be enough sunlight for natureboy? Nope. every chance he got, he opened those damned things up. We have 8 cats, remember. Thankfully not all would get in the window at the same time, only 2 or 3. However, with dickweed constantly opening the curtains wide, everything was visible. Every cat, every pile of books, every last mess that he refused to keep cleaned up. Now, mind you, as a Leo... well we don't much like cleaning to begin with. We don't mind a comfortable mess, so long as it's not on display for the whole damned world to see. Besides, it's no one's business what size tv we have or the fact we have a computer. That's just asking to be robbed! Do you think he cared? You can bet your sweet bippy he would if that computer was no longer available for making work sheets and stuff. Oh wait, he wasn't a teacher at this point and didn't need that stuff. So why care? He at least had his books, the tv and the vcr, so who gives a damned?

The bedroom, I'm pretty sure, was an add-on. That wall certainly didn't look original. Thank goodness there was a closet in there, not that we had much to put in it. Since we had to leave almost everything behind, all we had to sleep on was an egg crate foam mat. Sleeping on that mat was extremely uncomfortable for a gal my size. I woke up achy and sore most days. He wondered why I was waking up in such a foul mood all the time. I had such a hard time getting up and do you think for just once he'd get up, turn off the alarm and gently wake me up? Yea... you guessed it. Storage for our "unmentionables" was a cheap shelving unit that was mostly falling apart (thank God for flea markets in walking distance). Of course, the top shelf held a bunch of his crap.... and his diary. Yeah, he kept a diary.... for years. Every last little detail of his life was written in there. Oh... and several months worth of it was written by me because he thought it would be "fun" to get it written together. Until I started adding stuff he didn't agree with. Then suddenly he was all fine writing it by himself. Well that and I complained the whole way through because he was unbelievably long winded and didn't seem to care that it bothered my hand to write for several pages a day. Yet if it was him writing, it was a half to three-quarters of a page. Go figure. Anyhow, the diary was front and center on the top of that shelving unit.

There was a basement for storage for both apartments. My first thought was to allow the "kids" access to it down there so they had room to run when I didn't have to worry about things. The litter would have been put down there too. Until we went down and took a look. That place creeped me out more than the apartment did. Too many places the "kids" could hide or get stuck. That and the other lady's stuff was down there too (yeah, this means she'd need occasional access to our place if she had a need to get something from storage) and I simply couldn't have anything happening to her stuff. I knew that idjut didn't like doing his one chore and just knew they'd potty all over her possessions. We ended up keeping the litter in the bathroom under the sink (ew) because it was the only other place for it. We also ended up keeping the large cage set up in front of the basement door for a couple of the kittens because they weren't spayed or neutered and we certainly couldn't handle more cats.

The place was listed as a 2 bedroom with a spare room. This spare room, I'm guessing started out as one of those display cases the old shops had for their mannequins. It, too, had a huge window taking up most of the one wall. Again, we opted for cafe curtains and rods just for the quick fix of privacy. Although... I think we used old towels because we didnt have anymore funding for real curtains.... and a rope for the rod for the same reason. I'm starting to forget some details. I apologize. Maybe this is a good thing? This room started as a minor catch all for mostly my stuff as the computer was set up in the livingroom (God forbid he has to sit alone in there, ya know). There was a set of built in shelves in the wall across from the window where I placed my "girls" (the dolls I managed to weed into the car during our move). It got really warm in there when the sun was travelling that side of the building. We had no air conditioning at first and even when we did, it didn't cool that room at all.

The room across the hall was "HIS" room. All his stuff was in there and I was never allowed to set foot in there if at all possible. I'm guessing they started out as dressing rooms because there was a partial divider or two in there. If you think that I complained about the mess in the livingroom, this room was worse.

Then there was the kitchen. A nice set of built in shelves for a pantry. Some cupboards over the sink for dishes and pans (none of which we had, remember). A stove............ You remember what I was saying earlier about necessities that are taken for granted? Yep, you guessed it. No refrigerator. Absolutely NOTHING to put fresh foods in or left overs. Wintertime wasn't too bad because the back porch kept most things cold enough, but during the summer? This means that half of what we normally would eat (when it could be afforded) was no longer available for our diets. No milk. No fresh meat. Couldn't store left overs and try to get another meal out of them. Nothing. From the time we moved in to the time I left his ass, it was nothing but boxed and canned foods. The only time we had fresh meat was on the day we went shopping or if we got invited to the neighbor's for supper. Any other day it was Dinty Moore stew, Hamburgerless Hamburger Helper, Ramen noodles.... well you get the idea. On weeks where finds were tight (rent, bills, gas and bus fare came first), we were lucky to have peanut butter sandwiches for 2 meals and a slice of dry toast for breakfast. Oh.... and I'm on a random schedule while he works a set schedule at a school (thanks to the neighbor gal who helped him get the job). Do you think he could be bothered to try and find another job? Granted everything in town proper would shut down around 6pm or so, but there was WalMart which wasn't too far from the apartment. Yeah, I could have switched jobs and gotten one at WalMart. Gotten a job closer to home. The problem is, it would have meant a wage cut. I was making $12/hour and although a good portion was going to bus fare (which would have been reduced if I changed jobs), after doing some figuring.... we would have been in as bad shape and still in the same boat. He'd still need a second job and was refusing to get one even though HE was the one with the set schedule. Nope. Told me if I thought someone needed a second job that maybe I should look for one.

This was the state of things for us. A neighbor who was the spit and image of a ghost from the past and hardly any of our needs covered.


ChicagoLady said...

Sounds like a terrible place to convert to an apartment. Hope it wasn't too much longer before you left.

Intense Guy said...

Perhaps forgetting some of the details is a merciful thing. What you went through, developed character and made you strong in many ways, and hurt you in others...

Where you are now - is a much, much better place even if you fight health issues at every turn.

Thnking about and wishing for a "do-over" isn't going to help (and I know I want one for me too...)

*hugs and happy birthday - look across the cake at your soul mate and see the bright side of things for (at least) today*