"Your words have no power to alter the truth. Your perception does not affect any reality but your own... it is your words and deeds that cast your reflection. "

~Luna Jade, musician

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

The Great Escape Continued


By 1130pm or so I was in Pittsburgh, Jim woulda been home by then. I figured he would get the note by the time we were leaving (found out it was several hours later). By 330am, the bus left Columbus (this is when he actually found the note). At 730-8 am we pulled into Louisville and J* was waiting for me. It was so good to see him there waiting for me. Have been here since Tuesday morning.

When I left, I'd placed the note on his diary. It's the first place I figured he'd go. In 20/20 I should have taped it to the wall so he'd see it the minute he came in. From what I hear, the first place he checked was my cubby, then the rest of the apartment. In a panic he didnt bother looking for a note anywhere and just ran out pell mell looking all over town for me. It wasnt until he got back in around 3am or so that he found that note. Would I change how I did this? Nope...just the location of the note. I know if I told him to his face what I said in the note I probably would have ended up leaving there in a bodybag. I think I still have a copy of that note and will type it in after the diary is done.

In Pittsburgh, I considered calling a friend of mine but it was late and we'd parted on not the best of terms. It's a shame, I wish I had as it was the only chance I would have had to meet them face to face. Since that time this person's moved to another country. Im glad they're happy there and Im gladder we're at a point we can talk again but still I wish I had that opportunity back.

J*'s my brother. He took time off work to pick me up. I guess he was all ready to tear into me for running and not planning but one look told him I was already doing what I always did, beating myself up about it. He told me later he didnt have the heart to say anything then because it was pretty clear that I had already done that job for him. All I could do when he hugged me is cry and cry. He told me "Come on let's get you home".

After a couple days I am getting the itch to go again, but feel I have work yet to do. Yesterday (Thursday) got a call from mom. I guess Jim had called her (he's been trying to find me since Tuesday am) and said I got a check from Toys R Us for $1200 *D'OH*!! Damn P.O didnt process my change of address at all. That check should have gone to Mom and Dad's!! Well I broke down horribly and ran to throw up I was so upset.

I didnt want to stay there any longer than I had to as I didnt want to intrude on their lives too much. They'd just had their first kid and last thing they needed was his older sister having a melt-down in their house. Top things all off Jim was calling everyone at all hours of the day to see if I showed up. I give them credit for not giving me up though. K* would tell him "No I havent seen her today" which would be the truth as their bedroom was upstairs and I was on the sofa down stairs.

I had processed a change of addy about a week to week and a half before I left. Unfortunately, that wasnt soon enough. The original plan had been to wait until the check showed and then go, but the fights got so bad that if I waited it would have been too late. All I needed was to wait a couple more days...*sigh*. If I'd known it was that close. If I'd been thinking I would have called the benefits place and changed the addy through them and THAT would have been the end of it. It was bad enough that the check showed up but that damn idiot had the audacity to open my mail up. He should have just forwarded it to my mom in the hopes I'd end up there but noooooooooo. Had to open it up. From what mom told me he was so damn happy because it would take care of the eviction we had hanging over our heads at that point. My mom told him she wasnt sure but it was possible I'd send some of it back to cover that BUT he'd have to do the right thing and send her the check so she could get it to me the next time I contacted her. I found it terribly upsetting he had the nerve to go through my mail like that. No friggin respect I swear. But yeah, when I get really upset I do have to run to the toilet or grab a bucket. I hate it.

Well mom said she was gonna call Jim and have him send it to their house. She said he would, but I have a bad feeling he simply packed it with the rest of my stuff to take with him ( he believes I'll come back to him ). Will call Toys R Us benefits on Monday and have a stop put to it and a new one cut. Been thinking today (now my head is clear)that I need to get things rolling. I had a headstart and am afraid I lost it over the last couple days. I have to out think and out geek Jim's brother Alex now. Jim is supposedly staying there. Gonna write Ke* this weekend and tell him I left Jim and no longer reside in the house. Will offer to pay my HALF of what is owed. Gotta get the PeCo bill and the Verizon and will arrange to pay those. Jim will need to deal with the rest. Gotta get my name off the Kia pink too. A trip to the pawn shop to get rid of that gold leash is in order too. A call to Greyhound for a Discover pass....hmmm so much to do. Gonna start back at the beginning of our relationship and explore what happened all along and deal with my feelings while Im at it.

Even though Im sure the note left no uncertain terms that I wasnt coming back, Jim still had hopes I would return and we could fix things. Damn idiot. I tried for years suggesting that maybe we needed to go to therapy or get some sort of help...but no, he thought things were fine. You'd have to be blinder than Stevie Wonder and deafer than Beethoven not to notice there were problems all along and that it was going down hill fast. Even our good friend G* noticed and he was only around us every other year or less.

I never called TRU benefits on Monday as mom called on Sunday (the up coming entry) and assured me he sent it. I couldnt reach the other creditors except Kia and there wasnt much I could do there until I sent proof of 01) who I was and 02) a new address. Basically I was screwed there until I settled down. The ring was dealt with later. I never pawned it because it had been a gift from him and I didnt want any money that had even been remotely connected to something that was his.

Greyhound used to have a Discover Pass that allowed you to travel as much as you wanted in 30 days. It beat waiting in lines at ticket counters. The bad thing was my id was expired and I needed id to get the ticket. This particular branch of Greyhound was being a stickler too (enter another meltdown for me).

Knowing Jim was at his BILs house struck fear into my heart as I knew Alex was really good with computers and was (is) smart as all hell. I knew if anyone in the family could find traces of where I was headed it more than likely was him. However, I found out later that Jim gave him and the family such grief that Im beginning to think he stopped wanting to help him. Somehow, I think they realized in a shorttime what I had been through and felt sorry for me. From what I heard later, dingbat Jim would wait until after everyone was in bed or not around and then call my family members to find out if they'd seen me. Yep, long distance calls without permission. Like they'd not find out ...there is a thing called a bill ya know.

I spent most of my time at my brother's house job hunting and sending my resume out everywhere (well almost everywhere...I kept it to the west and southwest states as that's where I was targeting to live). Unfortunately, since I wasnt instate for most of them my resume was circular filed. I did get a few hits, but not enough.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The Great Escape

04/16/2003- 04/17/2003

This entry was written over the course of 2 days. I cant really remember why. According to those dates I was at my brother's house so it's possible I got interrupted, or started it late at night and decided to pick it up in the morning. I do know I dont like to be disturbed while Im writing (to the point I dont blog when hubby's home...although he does have access to them to read) so it's possible the former was the case.

Ok, I did it. I finally left him. Monday was a real pisser of a day. We got up and things seemed to be ok. I had already had things ready to go. Well he called Copeland Ministries to see if they could help us out financially. I dunno the results of the call. All I know is that I heard him crying in his room-loudly. I called him out for lunch. When he finally did, he was looking very miserable indeed. I am so sick of being his momma and picking up the pieces. Well we went to the livingroom and as we were eating he went to pieces. I took his bowl and brough both to the kitchen, grabbed tissues and brought the tissues to him. I didnt know what to do, nothing I ever said made things better or helped him and now was no different. How do you comfort a person that doesnt want to be consolled? After a few minutes I got up and called K* (my sis in love). Well he wandered out and demanded to know who I was talking to and he wasnt even nice about it. Sheesh. Drove the nail home for me. So when he *finally* kissed me before leaving and hugged me, I had my mind on the bags that were packed.

Boy is this entry a mess. At least there's enough here to bring back the memory so I can describe it better.

He didnt just look miserable...he was a total wreck after the call so my best guess is that they'd told him no. We sat in the livingroom to eat as we usually did and he just sat there with his bowl in his hands blubbering like some 3 yr old child. All I could think of was damn...he'd yell at me for crying and I wouldnt even be carrying on like that. At least while I cried I had the presence of mind to wipe my damn nose and not let it drain into my food. *UGH* I so lost my appetite right then. I had absolutely no compassion for this type of behavior. A few years back, maybe, but now? Ummm nope. Does this make me sound like a cold hearted bitch? Probably, but I was beyond caring at that point after all the shit he'd put me through. I ended up throwing the food away as I had no appetite and he'd ruined his. We didnt even have a refrig at the time so I could save my share for a bit later. It would have been nice to have a small meal in my stomach before I left. After disposing of the food (not that it was much more than a bowl of hash), I called my SIL and was talking to her in the kitchen. Im guessing he snapped out of it when he realized he no longer had a friggin audience and came looking for me to keep up the performance. When he saw me on the phone he asked who and quite loudly to the point my SIL heard him. I told her, see what I mean? I told him who and walked away from him and back to the livingroom. Next thing I remember is him slamming the door to either the bedroom or his "space". After cooling down, he got himself ready for work. When he was ready he acted like nothing happened at all. I mean WTF!!?? He kissed me and wanted a hug and noticed I wasnt hugging back (ding...ummm clue here...stupid ass). I wasnt even thinking of him...just the fact that as soon as he was around the corner I was grabbing my stuff and going. He asked what my plans were for the day since I had told him I was doing such a good job at work they gave me the next couple days off. I told him I was going to get the taxes done around the corner. He left with a bounce in his step and waved good bye.

He wasnt much down the road when I grabbed the rest of what I could carry and bolted for good. Headed for the bus stop and never looked back. Got my poor self turned around and headed in the wrong direction. I realized it about an hour later and got going the right way. After a while I realized I hadnt seen any Greyhound depot. I stopped into a flooring store and some sweet little old angel gave me a ride to where I needed to be (I had simply gone past it as it wasnt labelled Greyhound). Made it in time for the 4pm bus.

Oh boy did I ever bolt. I grabbed the last of what I wanted (except a few things Im wishing I'd grabbed but forgotten), petted the cats one last time, walked out the front door, tossed the keys onto the livingroom floor and locked the door behind me so I couldnt get back in. No turning back at that point. Well, I actually do remember turning and looking back once. I wish I hadnt because my cats had gotten into the window on the side and were watching me go down the sidewalk away from them. Im pretty sure they have abandonment issues now because of me. God that sucks I wish I could have taken them.... both my tuxedoed loves and my Mackie (he is a fluffy yellow tiger). It would have been nice to have my sweeties with me. I miss them so damn much.

I had been under the impression the depot was past the post office and had headed in that direction. When I was about 30 minutes past there I realized I was going in the wrong direction and headed the otherway so about 90 minutes later is when I got to the flooring place. Two and a half friggin hours on a hot day carrying 3 heavy totes and a purse. I was so damn tired and had stopped at the store simply to cool off. An older lady in there saw my disheveled state and asked if she could help. I told her I needed to get to the bus station but was too hot to move anymore for the moment. She offered me a lift and I (against everything I was taught) accepted it with gratitude. This wasnt the first, nor was it the last time I had to accept help from strangers this trip. When I got there, I realized that my id was expired. Man, I'd been intending to get it renewed but something always seemed to get in the way. The lady behind the counter took one look at me and seemed to know my story without me saying anything. She let me buy my tickets anyhow.

Cried when I left knowing I wouldnt ever see my cats again. It still saddens me to think that I had to leave mine behind...

Monday, June 25, 2007

Continuation from the 360 story

When we'd left, I'd been hurt repeatedly by lowlifes that I usually refer to as "playas and plastic people". None of them wanted anything really serious, they just wanted another conquest to notch onto their belts. I, on the otherhand, was looking for a way out of where I was and wanting someone who wanted me for ME...not for what I could do to make their life easier. That's where I was already....secretary, housemaid and source of income and that's the last thing I wanted. I was looking for someone to be equal partners with. Then shortly after Christmas that year Texas came along. Oh no not the other 2 Texans I had been talking and getting nowhere with, this one was different. He didnt want any of the nasty talk that the others wanted. He just wanted a friend to chat with...to ease his lonely days.


Texas has been showing me that old fashioned romance. He is so sweet. Just the type I've needed all along. He is a little younger than me and unlike most online guys hasnt talked his way into my passions, just my heart.

We've (Jim and I) been in Pa for several months now. The arguing has gotten more frequent and increasingly violent. Topics always are stupid things too. Alot of times it's the jobs or M* or money. He's taken to calling me at work at least once a day, but more like 3 or 4 and always for stuff we can discuss in the car. Often these calls lead to fighting. Am tired of that. Last fight we had was on the 5th of the month. I had discovered that Friday my new job was an every-other-week paycheck job. We had already gone through the $240 of my previous check and paid bills n such and were done to $5. Well he got home Friday and I had gone to bed early as I was running fever and was depressed. He threw a fit cuz I wasnt up to cook his supper. I was at the point of relaxation that I couldnt move or say anything if I had wanted to. Well he fussed and swore a good long time. Finally he was quiet. He came in and kissed my cheek and said he was home and he was making popcorn. What a hypocrite! To trash talk me and then pull a Judas. Well he got to bed a bit later.

I never could get him to understand that he couldnt call me at work so often, most especially at this store because most times I was the only one on the floor and customers came first. During my first few days at this store we were prepping for inventory and the lady who dressed the windows (we were in a mall remember) had come in two days running sick as a dog. I told her not to be so close to me while ill but she professed it was just allergies and nothing bad. Yeah BS. I ended up so sick. Around this time Jim *FINALLY* got a damn job at WalMart (thanks to his WIFE filling out the paperwork...damn idiot) and this particular night he'd been scheduled to go in for training. Knowing he wasnt going to be picking me up I told him to NOT dead bolt the front door as I didnt have a key for that nor the back door. Friggin idiot threw the deadbolt on the way out that night so when I got home I was locked out. I had to ask M* to take me to WalMart to get the key from him. She was upset and gave me the cash for a copy so I had my own from now on. When I went in, I had to have him called out to layaway so I could talk to him. I cant believe he couldnt tell then that I was sick. Under those bright lights, he HAD to have noticed how damn flushed I was with fever. I got the copy, gave him his keys and went home. Not to say I was sick but I didnt even fire up my computer and everyone KNOWS how I am about my computer and keeping up on my emails. Even if he couldnt tell under the lights that I was sick surely he should have when he kissed my cheek right? Nope. Stupid fk...even M* could tell at a glance.

Slept until the alarm and got up. Got myself going and shook him awake. He asked about the check and I told him that there wouldnt be one. He blew a gasket and then told me I needed to call my folks (like they have spare money to help..sheesh). Told him I would that night and he blew again that I shoulda called the night before, told him I was sick n went straight to bed and the fight got worse. We got to cussin and cursin like you wouldnt believe. The fight actually made it outside, it's a wonder the cops werent called. He went back into the house calling me a fucking bitch and I chased him in and for the first time I fought back. Told him if he didnt get his ass in the car right now, and get me to work , it would be job abandonment and there would be NO check NOR would I ever be hired elsewhere. Well he got to the car. As I was getting in, I noticed that as usual stuff was on my seat so I reached in to move it. In the meantime, he had gotten in and swung at the stuff on the seat. Not sure if it was purpose or accidental (all I know is that at THAT angle he HAD to have seen my hand there) but he hit me. No apology has ever been forth coming...makes me wonder what he is capable of and how much more violent his actions will be. Well I am NOT sticking around to find out. Have written the letter, cashed my check and am leaving tonight. Not sure if he consciously has a clue, maybe on a basic, animalistic level he knows something is up. I know Auggi knows and has been begging me. Been loving me up big time. I wish I could take him and Fizzi with me.

That fight was the last time I took shit from him. That night I wiped my computer completely clean....wrote down the addies I'd need and took the format disc and brought the whole thing back down to factory standards. The goal was to leave that night and be gone before morning light. It was pointed out that he may wake up though and stop me so I decided to wait until he left for work the next day. I'd talked to my boss Friday and told her what was going on and how I was going to have to deal with it. If I had just moved elsewhere and kept working there he would have made life hell for everyone and not just me. She told me I needed to do what was good for me and if leaving was the only way then so be it. I had my check on me Friday when he asked about it but I lied and said I forgot it. Saturday I cashed it while he was in the shower (went out for a walk, told him I had to get some air). Saturday night I'd conveniently "forgotten" my check again. Told him I'd grab it Sunday. On Sunday I "forgot" it again and damned if I didnt forget to grab my keys too. I'd have to get it Monday when I went in. It wasnt as if I would be able to cash it that night anyhow. Never in my whole life had I lied to someone so much. The only way I can justify it is that I was in survival mode.

The only thing I regret was leaving the cats. Auggi (my 2 yr old boy) and Fizzi (my 12 yr old girl) were a pair that werent related but sure looked like they could be with their markings. They were dark dark brown, close to black with tuxedo markings. Neither would leave me alone on the night of the 13th and they circled me all day on the 14th before I left too. This is the one sore spot I have is the fact I couldnt bring them with me. I miss them so much. Making it easier is the cat I have now, Dharma. She isnt the same though. I purposely got her so she wasnt marked the same but I was hoping attitude-wise she'd be similar. I was really hoping for one that would enjoy being held and cuddled. Dharma aint that way at all. She likes being petted, but held and sitting on my lap? Ummm nope. Ahhh well. She at least takes the edge off my pain.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

When I originally started this I was using the actual names all the way through. I've since decided it wasnt really wise to do such so I went thru and replaced them all with the first initials. Again, there's a fair warning for those who dont like TMI. Sorry to say but this is a part of the story like it or not.

Entry for March 25, 2007

Sorry it's taken so long to get back to this. I had a feeling this was going to happen, infact I remember mentioning that I'd probably stall through this. It's a terribly uncomfortable and awful time in my life and I've been trying so damn hard for the last couple years to forget most of it.

Anyone who has been following this...you'll notice I took the names outta the blog and left the first initial with an * by it. I did this to protect the identities of those people. Something I should have done when I first started. The only ones not protected are old bosses and the jerk himself as HE doesnt deserve protection. G* was ( but not now) Jim's bestfriend incase I didnt explain it, M* was (again but not now) our upstairs neighbor and R* was her fiance.


Nothing more embarrassing than to have to finish ya self off. So why bother when I can do it myself? I wasnt going to get preggers with him anyway. Ive hinted , begged and asked him to go to the doctors. Even to the point of knowing he had to go for a physical and telling him to have EVERYTHING checked out. No avail. He simply wont. So now I have a husband that doesnt release at all...only once and that was before we were married. No orgasm, no semen, no nothing.Which means no baby, no family. I am tired of being this way. So 6 years ago I discovered the 'net and chatrooms. Oh the variety of people. It enraptured (for the want of a better word) me. So many people all WANTING to talk to me. I made several friends very quickly. Alot of guys were drawn to my nick and were much more than happy to keep me occupied. Many wondered why I was online all the time if I had a husband. Jim never fussed as I was quiet and content and he had his books and tv. Never did he realize he was putting the wall that exists up...brick by brick, show by show. I met several guys that became regular flirting partners....some married , some not. I fell head over heels in love and repeatedly been hurt...until Texas came.

Embarrassing to say I had to resort to finishing myself off. If he knew, he'd probably have hit the roof. For all I know that's exactly what he was doing in "HIS" room all the time. I know for a fact he had pictures in there (man I despised that) that I wanted him to get rid off. Worse yet he'd gotten into my yearbooks and cut out pictures of the cheerleaders. Bad enough he mutilated my yearbooks but not one picture he took was of me. He should have left those books alone and just looked at them and I wouldnt have been the wiser. As it is he ruined those last few memories I had of school.... as such I left the books behind when I left. Why take them when I was still missing pictures out of them. I dont need that constant reminder of what he did.

I realize now, that the chatrooms were no better than him and his pictures but Im telling you if it was good for the goose than the gander needed to get some of the same! The guys in the first rooms I went to were so damn sweet to me. We'd sit and talk about nothing and everything. There was one who'd talk to me everyday. He was a Brit living in Saudi...he was helping me brush up on my French and was teaching me a few phrases in Arabic as well. That guy ended up moving to Taiwaan when the fighting started over there and I havent heard from him since. There was another in Florida that would sit and talk...he was a sweetie with a gf he adored and a beautiful son. Then there was the guy in Indiana (?) that sounded like he was from Alabama..funny guy with an awesome family. I got to talk to his wife once...told her how lucky she was to have a great guy at her side. The guys all seemed drawned to me due to my nick. At the time I was running the nick gypsysbaby...a tip of the hat to my mom who used to cb with the nick gypsylady.

While I was online, Jim never complained because the only noise I'd make was the typing and an occasional laugh at something funny. I had a headset and played my music while chatting so now n then I'd start to sing a little but not much because I'd get shhhhed. *rolls eyes* Only time he really complained was when he wanted to go to bed and I wasnt tired so I'd stay up. The light from the monitor would shine into the bedroom so I ended up moving the desk to another part of the livingroom so it wouldnt do that. I discovered online chat in the one apartment....and it continued into the duplex. By the time we moved to Pa...many of my friends had poofed and I ended up in a new site. This is where I eventually met Texas. He came along after a couple others had already messed with my emotions bigtime. So I was very wary.

Original entry written in Yahoo 360 on Sunday March 25, 2007 - 12:38pm (CDT)
For those that dont like TMI, consider this your one and only warning that the last section in this entry does contain some.

Entry for February 07, 2007

03/17/03 Cont.

Well it's been a busy 6 months. Have been reviewing my life in general and not liking where I've been at all. Too much crap happening the last 12 years and I was too stupid to question things from the very beginning. I should have known from the very start it would never work out. Let's look at the very beginnings:

Jim and I met at KMart. I had always been warned about seeing someone at work, that it would be trouble. Unfortunately, I was 20 and lonely. Mom had been married and was pregnant with #2 by now...I felt like an old maid and it didnt look like anyone was gonna come along any too soon. All my friends at work had been thru several boyfriends (and fantastic lookers too) so things were fepressing and lonely. When I saw (or should I say noticed) Jim, he was "chasing" another gal in my department around pretty good. She was exasperated as she really didnt like him at all, but he simply wouldnt leave her alone. Unfortunately, she was way too nice to tell him off (which is as I see now, what he needed then). I tried to keep them apart at first as it was interrupting work on our side of the store. When she left the store to go to school, she left me her number. He found out and proceeded to use me to get thru to her. I really liked him alot at this point and figured if I was compliant, he'd see what was infront of him and forget the one who didnt want him at all.

Number 1 mistake, dont get involved with a co-worker. Number 2 mistake, if said co-worker has the hots for someone else dont bother trying. The biggest mistake (other than getting involved with him) was not realizing that "chasing" for what it was. With 20/20 I realize that this was the first stalking I was aware of. I've heard that he had "chased" others that worked in the same store before. Lord knows he was probably still stalking them while he was stalking this one. It was so bad that he even had her phone number as the combo to the lock on his briefcase!!

I remember this girl very well though. There was nothing remarkable about her...she was small, dainty, braces, blue eyes and blonde hair. She wasnt beautiful, but pretty in her own way. She was as sweet as pie though and didnt have a mean bone in her body, which explains why she didnt tell him to go to Hell. I really have regretted helping him out during this time because it got me nowhere. He never ever really saw she didnt like him and never realized what he had infront of him. In 10+ yrs of marriage he never even saw what he had until I left. During those 10+ yrs our marriage was haunted by the memories of this girl and I've hated every moment that she had control over what should have been mine. I eventually realized she was going to stay in control in the marriage and I suspect all the abuse I endured is because I couldnt be molded into looking like her. I was too tall, a couple years older and big boned. No way in HELL would I ever look like her even at my thinnest.

Several months went by and my relationship with her fizzled as all we talked about was him and she refused to talk to me any longer. I spent these months trying to be a friend and help him get over her, much of the time was after work and were late late nights. He eventually turned to me and latched on tight (I know now I was the rebound and have been for 11 yrs...he just doesnt realize it). I was sure I was in love, but looking back I realized I was desparately not wanting to grow old alone. He, too, was desparate, as he lived home with the folks and his sisters were married with kids. Both alone and virgins and no one else showing an interest in either of us. But I look back now and realize he needed no-one. He had his books, hobbies and tv and that's all he really wanted. It was me that needed the additional social interaction. It's all that either of us needed.

I dont know why I used the term relationship...it was a close friendship at best. I was, as I usually am nowadays, right smack in the middle of things and when the shit gets deep...Im the one who drowns in it. At first, I'd call her once a week and we'd talk about school and work and girly stuff. Once he found out I had her number, he'd give me a list of questions so I could pump her for info. No sooner I'd be off the phone with her then he'd be calling me for the answers. God help me if I didnt have the answers he wanted or ones at all because I'd hear about it right then. Never ever should I have helped him like that. I feel so bad she got betrayed that way. It got so she'd never answer the phone anymore and the one time she did she asked me to stop calling. I should have told him off and dropped things right then. The signs were all there right in the beginning that he would be an abusive partner. Shit he was abusive then and this was 2 yrs or so before we got married.

I see now I am not the right person for him, but after 10+ yrs of marriage he depends too much on me. His ways have never changed tho. He still insists on quiet during tv and reading and loves to go by himself in his room. his excursions to his area would go from 30 minutes to several hours. I would spend more and more time ALONE. The only time I got to watch what I wanted was when he went to his room. It was so lonely, as he never seemed to want to spend time with me. Always reading, tv and room. When he started with his hobby AND time to play his guitar it was the last straw. I realize that it was then I started to pull away. I was thinking about other men more and more frequently. We wont even mention the lack of intimacy. Seemed he never wanted sex and I did. Had to chase him around when I wanted some "exercise". And you know, I've finally gotten tired of it. When I finally got him to bed, I'd need to work him up and then *POOFIES* it was gone before I could much less get any.

He'd go to his room even when I was visiting his folks house and stay in there for 30-45 minutes and then wonder why I was asleep on the sofa when he got back in. Well golly gee...maybe because I was friggin bored to death??? God forbid if I'd changed the channel while he was out. Worse yet was if I wanted to go in and sit with him or ask him a question because he'd have that damn door locked. I remember one fight we had, I had knocked on the door because I was pretty much ready to go home as I was bored and tired. He refused to answer it and his mom got pissed so she yelled in for him to unlock the door. He complied and I walked in to ask him when he wanted to take me home (I dont drive...never have ..and it would have been a 5 mile walk in the dark). He went off on me and got in my personal space (I may mention this later in the diary, I dont really remember if I covered it). When he got too close and looked like he was going to hit me, I stepped back and fell on my ass in his closet breaking a model he'd been working on. His parents came rushing in at the crash and saw him over me and hollared at him. He stormed off and out the door for a walk. I was very upset and said I was walking home. His father informed me no that I wasnt walking home and his son can damn well take me home when he gets back (that should have been a flag as to how HE'D be). It continued the downward spiral when we got our own place. The only difference was that he stopped locking the door. More and more time spent away....I got tired of being alone. Episodes like this have formed my behavior now. I hate to be alone for so long although this hubby's work is the reason for the long times alone....at least I get some time with him afterwards.

Original entry written in Yahoo 360 on Wednesday February 7, 2007 - 02:00pm

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Entry for January 30, 2007

Sorry I havent been adding to this. I simply havent felt much like dealing with anything as you can see on my main blog.


Sorry for the delay.... You'll understand in a bit. Wednesday I got a call from him while I was still at work. Vanguard (the school he was working for) had fired him. Even escorted him off the property. He ever sets foot there again, he can be arrested. Well I got offa the phone with him and called David to tell him. He was busy but would be with me as soon as possible. I laughed over the whole thing. It wasnt exactly the sanest laugh. In fact Im surprised I wasnt reported by the guests. I was really close to crying and almost left the floor when I got called to the registers. Yes indeed... I went up front, fighting for composure the entire time. David finally walkied me and came to my register. I leaned over and whispered in his ear the call I got and laffed again. He nearly pulled me off the register. Asked me if I would be ok and I said "I gotta be" and indicated the lines. He left me, but kept close watch to make sure I was ok. He also left instructions that when I was off to leave me off.

To say that the laugh I mentioned was not exactly sane is being really polite. I never had and never have since then laughed like that. There were several guests around me that looked at me really strange and sidestepped into other aisles. That laugh was much like the laugh of Ed the hyena from Lion King. Anyone who has seen that movie will know precisely what Im talking about. The second laugh in David's ear (he was the assistant manager and only one there I could trust to talk to) was almost as bad. He'd heard my laughs before and knew I was at a breaking point. That day I was on 3rd call. Normally, we'd get to 2nd call on a busy day. This day was so busy and I was last in line. Like I told David, I had to be ok because if they called me there was noone else...unless the managers wanted to run the registers.

Spent several days listening to the "I'm a loser" stuff from hubby. He's still saying nothing matters. This past Wednesday, they called me to the office. I was released from duty (actually it was the Wednesday before last). Downsized outta a job. I was so depressed that I actually wanted Linda to come in the office so we could shut the door. Got a small severance package outta the deal. Whoopie! Cant remember WHAT I did on Thursday short of going for my pay. I believe I spent most of my day online job hunting, but who knows.

When they called me in the office, three of the four managers were in there and I knew there was a problem. I'd had the dreads all day long and especially when David said Vince (the store director) wanted to see me before I left. All the managers in this store were male so they had to have the door open while they spoke with me. I could feel myself starting to lose it and asked for Lisa to be allowed in and they said the only female available was Linda, the HR person. Man I hated Linda but anyone was better than nothing at that point. Vince went to get Linda, I think Gary went for tissues while David went for water. Everything went slow motion here and I dont remember much. I do remember them saying they'd all write recommendations for me and how to go about filing for Unemployment. Vince explained the severance package and next thing I know all were gone except Linda. I do remember Vince telling me to take time so I could compose myself before leaving. I was also told to not bothing coming in to finish the week, that they were paying me to stay home. This was a rough store. It was a AA volume, very high in business as opposed to the D volume I had come from in Louisiana. I knew I was having a hard time keeping up and the shit I was getting at help simply didnt help matters. As things got worse at home my work quality was slipping and I could see this. David kept trying to warn me and help me but he could only do so damn much. The constant strain at home and then the strain from work was more than I could handle. The shame was, I was socking money away at work to get out from under one of the problems....unfortunately everytime I had a decent amount for at least bus fare, something would happen at home and I'd have to dip into it to make sure we were fed and had a roof. Dipwad mopin at home and not finding a job didnt help matters either. Work had been my only escape from his crap ...well when he wasnt calling and annoying the shit outta me at work.


Went in for my pay and talked to Gary. Hit all the managers up for recommendations (which I have yet to receive). Friday I went to the mall and grabbed 15-20 applications. Two looked promising and so instead of filling them at home, which was my plan, I did them at the mall and turned them right in. The stores were Talbots and April Cornell. We cruised Palace side also and got another 3-4 apps. Lord & Taylor was hiring too. They interviewed me immediately and were tremendously impressed. I figured I was a shoe in. We went home and lo and behold there were 2 calls. One from each of the others making appointments for interviews. KEWL!! So I set the appointments. Lord and Taylors called on Monday to cancel their Tuesday appt (second interview). I told them I was going to be in the area that afternoon with another appt and I could stop in after that. She said great. The appt at Talbot's went ok. I felt uncomfortable, but it would have been do-able. I boogied to L&T to do my second interview. I liked this place better. Unfortunately, the position I was best suited for had been eliminated. However, she was going to push corporate to get it back in the store. Kewl. On Tuesday I went to the April Cornell interview. Definitely different. Seems I had the job before even going to it as they asked me no questions- resume said everything necessary!! I said let me think until Friday (I was waiting on L&T to be honest). By Thursday, I made my decision. I went with April Cornell. L&T still wants me parttime, but I have to see if it is considered competition. I think it is so Im just going to say no, but if a fulltime comes up to call me and if April Cornell isnt working out I'll take it. Have had 2 days at April Cornell and the asst manager is saying if the manager wants to make me a second asst manager to go for it. Major kewlage.

I never did get those recommendations. Somehow I knew they were blowing wind up my ass. That Thursday when I went in for my pay, I swung by to visit with Lisa. A couple weeks before I was "downsized" she'd been put in my department to be trained to take over as the department manager. She wasnt liking it no way and no how. When I swung by with the work binders for the area, I thought she was going to cry. We made promises to keep in touch, but you know how that story goes.

Within 2 days, technically, I was re-employed. Do you think he was? Nope...hadnt even been really trying. He had a car and could have been cruising the area near the mall to look while I was working. You think he did this? Hell no. In fact, the only reason why he GOT a job is because I filled out an app for him at WalMart and made him sign it. He fussed and complained but I pointed out that at least it was a damn job and would bring some money in. I also pointed out that he could have had the job 2 weeks prior as that's how long the friggin sign had been up.

Original entry written in Yahoo 360 on Tuesday January 30, 2007 - 03:50pm
Entry for January 09, 2007

I want to apologize for that last entry and the shortness of it. I had an emergency come up that simply could NOT be avoided in the least. If you want the details it's in my primary LadyStyx1969 blog. Anyhow...where were we? Oh yeah...how ironic I'd be writing about having to call an ambulance for my now ex and then have to actually HAVE to call one for myself....very very ironic.


Called M* next to see if I could get a ride to the hospital. It took forever as she has voicemail and not a real answering machine so she never got the message. Only reason she knew something was up is that she heard me talking loud and banging on her door (on which I found a 5 page note attached when I let the ambulance people in). She came to the door and I told her that I needed a ride to the hospital, Jim had tried to commit suicide. She sent me R* . After I hung up the phone (because I speaking to her and not via phone, I called my friend in upstate and they attempted to calm me down as I was getting dressed (man I was pissed at everyone at this point). Then I called my mom to put Jim on a prayer list. Left with R* for the hospital. Ended up spending 3-4 hours there. Had to talk to a crisis councellor. It was so embarrassing. They wanted to keep him for observation but gave us the choice (as long as he went to outpatient therapy) to have him stay or go. We opted for bringing him home (if I knew he wouldnt call the therapist, I woulda left him there). Since that Saturday, he has made more references to "finishing the job". They are getting fewer and farther in between ...at least that I've noticed. He knows it upsets me so he doesnt let me hear that talk anymore. Of course there is alot that I refuse to listen to anymore. Got tired of hearing it so I block it out now. Sunday was uneventful (relatively speaking)...more depressing talk about him finishing it off. Have since told him that nothing I say or do is gonna change things so I refuse to listen anymore and why try? Monday we got a call from M*. She read a prepared statement saying she had filed a complaint against Jim. Next contact will result in his arrest. . The weekend didnt want to quit. I simply couldnt believe it. Tuesday was more calm, except Jim starting to incessantly pray (more like muttering all the time). By Wednesday, the last straw was put on the camel's back.

I shoulda left his butt in the hospital. I somehow KNEW he'd pull what he did. He'd call and leave a message for the psychiatrist and unfortunately neither would be available when they'd call back. The biggest problem is that he'd never leave a good time for them to call. I suspect that they'd called a couple times and he'd ignored the phone like he was prone to do because HE didnt believe HE had a problem. After a while, he quit calling (although for a while he did his best to get me to believe he was still calling them).

That Saturday...I remember calling the church he belonged to. I was trying to get the pastor or a couple of the guys over to the hospital to be with him for a bit. You'd think if a man's wife calls and says her husband tried to commit suicide, that SOMEONE would drop everything and hurry over. Some meeting took precidence over a paritioner in trouble though. This really soured me against them at that point. To be honest, I havent been to a church since. Im sorry to say, but the people that should have been there in our time of need failed us miserably in the time we needed them most. They managed to haul their butts over AFTER we got back to the apartment *insert eye roll*. At that point I didnt want to see the lot of them, but I was gracious enough to allow them access to my house without fussing about it. They prayed over the rooms in the apartment and sat and attempted to council us. It made him feel better, but somehow knew things were going to get much much worse before things would get better. I knew what I needed to do, but as a person that has compassion for others no matter what they've done I simply couldnt do it while the apartment was under suicide watch.

Sunday was all "I shoulda finished the job"...I was beginning to wish he HAD been successful at that point to be honest. I got so tired of hearing it that I said so. I didnt dare say anything about "then why dont you" or "I dont believe you" because the last time he pulled something similar (he was eternally attempting to quit KMart and then removing the 2 weeks notice before the boss got to it) I out n out said "I dont believe you will...you never do" . He actually managed to quit when he didnt mean to (it was a threat and nothing more that time.... heleft it in the inbox just one day too long because of my comment and his boss got tired of his games and fired his butt). Once I told him I wasnt listening to that crap no more, it lightened up but Im sure he kept repeating it in his room. Then there was all that muttering...ugh. He said he was praying but it certainly didnt sound it to me. I got so I was ignoring that as well. I just found it annoying.

Original entry written in Yahoo 360 on Tuesday January 9, 2007 - 12:23pm

Monday, June 18, 2007

Entry for January 07, 2007

I realized before I finished it what it was...and went to the window to see if the car was there, it was. I checked his room and he wasnt in his chair. I dont know why I looked in farther, but when I did I found him sitting on the floor, my teacupfilled withwater, pills in one hand and an open bottle in the other (luckily it was just aspirin). I asked him how many he took and he said 1/2 the bottle (I forgot the bottle was mostly empty and figured he'd had nearly 50 pills at this point). Called poison control and since there was a suicide note they said to dial 911. I went in to talk to him and figured he'd taken about 15-20 and he definitely wasnt feeling well. When his stomach started that roiling noise, I called 911. Had waited simply because I needed the info to give to the 911 operator. The operator dispatched an ambulance.

How much of a drama queen can you be?? I mean damn. You get in a fight with the neighbor and you try and commit suicide? And on aspirin! Geeze louise everyone knows that'll just make you sick. If you really want to do it right there were plenty of chemicals in the house to do it properly.

Original entry written in Yahoo360 on Sunday January 7, 2007 - 12:44pm

Yes I realize this one is ultra short, but I had a medical emergency come up as I was typing it and had to call 911 for myself. I had a severe pain in my side and back to the point where I couldnt move. I ended up in the hospital most of the day and all I managed to get was pain killers. We have no clue what happened except maybe I moved just right and pulled something.
Entry for December 26, 2006

Sorry again for the length of time for the next installment. I've been rather ill over here and it seems to be one thing right after the next lately. You can read all about it in my primary blog (the only friend I've allowed on this particular account).

The primary blog at the time was my Yahoo 360. I've added it to my links list if you want to read other entries Ive made before getting my Blogger account. Ive also added my alternate 360 if you want to read ahead. Im deleting entries as I go along as I'll be closing that account after everything is moved.


Took so long to get thru that that another crisis hit. The weekend with no damn ending. It all started Friday morning and has escalated to the point where a complaint has been filed. I think the official complaint was harrassment and emotional distress.I can understand. I had been telling him all along he needed to leave her alone, not to call so often . Well, let me back it up to Friday....

Friday morning Jim called up to M*. The roads were bad and he wanted to follow her in to work to learn the shorter route (he's followed a couple of times before and usually doesnt get lost so why bother calling???).

I'm going to note here that once Jim was shown the route ANYWHERE a couple times, he didnt get lost. He was one that as a youth would go up hiking in the mountains with his friends and be able to find his way home. He was the very same one who, after I moved in with a good friend, took me walking around the apartment complex I was living in...got me talking and distracted and walked me in circles then asked me if I knew where I was at. Of course, I didnt but HE knew precisely where we were at....

Well, she really blew her stack as it was 630am and she was trying to get her and her child ready. Plus she was sick to death of Jim calling all the time. Well he hung up and blew his stack. O M G the language... I kept telling him very quietly to please be quiet and shut up. At one point I said " Would you just please go away?" I dont know how close he was or if it was coinsidence, but next thing I heard was him saying "Oh great, now my wife wants me gone too!" I was so embarrassed as I didnt realize I had said it quite that loud. After ranting for about 20 minutes or so he *FINALLY* left for work. Talked with a couple of my friends online and both were awefully supportive. I asked if just the fact I had to listen to it (and not being yelled at, just to about a situation) was a form of verbal abuse and general consensus is yes. So here I am crying at the 'puter as I knew in my heart it was. Calmed down and lo and behold as the one friend was apologizing for hurting my feelings (and I was saying not to worry) Jim came home (1130am) early. I told my friend I had to go that he was home and my friend got more worried about me. I told them I'd touch base and IF I didnt to call my job the next day and ask for David. Dunno why I did that, I must've been worried deep down.Sometimes he really scares me. Well, Jim blew his stack a second time over the issue and yet again I had to hear it. Another 20 minutes and he finally shut up about it.

I was so embarrassed when he started screaming in the apartment. It was loud enough that I was sure that she heard every word upstairs. I wasnt necessarily afraid that she was hearing how he felt, but the fact she had a 4-5 yr old child up there that could possibly pick up that foul language! I was really surprised when he heard me say what I did as my back was turned and it was said in practically a whisper as I had a migraine started. Why am I surprised? Well because MrJackass had a hearing problem and always turned things up unbelieveably loud to hear them. He was either right on top of me as I said it OR I said it louder than I really had planned on it. Man I wish I had whirlled on him and said it good and loud so she coulda heard me upstairs so she knew I wasnt putting up with it no more.

Had to close so he took me in for my 3pm shift. Took most of the night, but I managed to get rid of my freakin headache. Around 7pm he called (damn wouldnt you know the headache came back!) to say he'd gone to the school for a dance and wanted to talk to M* to apologize. She got upset and told him it was inappropriate for him to be there (found out later from R* that Jim hadnt given me the whole story) and he needed to go home. Well he went on for a bit and I basically threw him off the phone. When he picked me up he was still going on and on about it. Damn Im getting sick of this. Well, I wasnt tired at bedtime yet again (not my fault...Im just not tired, cant he understand that??), he was upset and stood there at my chair for a good 2-3 minutes watching the computer screen. He then went to bed. I went in many hours later and fell asleep. I woke at 630am on Saturday and noticed he wasnt in bed but figured he had just gone to the bathroom so I rolled over to go back to sleep. At 715am I woke and realized he still wasnt in bed. It was then I discovered the note addressed to me in his rocker....Well by now the wife might not be too fond of him, but his friend kicked into gear.

Migraine stress headaches. No fun at all. Took me 4 hours to rid myself of it and the minute he called it came rushing back. Now mind you, he'd come home EARLY. His excuse to me had been he simply couldnt be around Michelle anymore that day and felt ill. He TOLD the school he was ill. So therefore, IF there was a dance he shouldnt have gone anyhow right? I find out from R* at a later date that there was NO dance that night and that instead there was a GIRLS ONLY function. No men were supposed to be there at all. Yet he went anyhow. This was stupidity on his part and he deserved getting reprimanded for it.
I am highstrung so when I get home 9 times outta 10 Im still keyed up from work and need several hours to relax before I can sleep. After several years of marriage he should have known this as it's common damn knowledge. So if you know this...WHY GET PISSED I DONT CLIMB INTO BED RIGHT AWAY???!! If you're tired...go to bed. I'll be there when I get tired. My current hubby knows this. My body just dont run on the same schedule as everyone elses. While we're gettin pissy on shit like this...how about the lack of personal space? I mean damn...I dont stand over your shoulder in your space to see what you're doing when you're trying to relax. He always insisted on his own room so he could be himself for a bit. Locked me out of parts of his life for years....but when I insist on the same thing for myself....you think I could get it? Helllll NO....gotta stand over my shoulder and see who Im talking to and what Im doing. Yet when he talks on the phone he insists on going to his room....yet he's allowed to stand over MY shoulder to see MY conversations??!

Original entry written in Yahoo 360 on Tuesday December 26, 2006 - 07:50am

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Entry for November 13, 2006


I apologized profusely AGAIN to G*. He told me he was sorry. The look in his eyes told me he'd take me with him if I wanted to go. I told him I had a safe place to go if it got bad and not to worry about me. He grabbed his stuff and left. When he was gone, I calmly went to the kitchen- rinsed my stuff that I had soaking- went to the bedroom closet and pulled out one of the travel bags. I packed taking all the stuff that was major important. I even raided my cds in the livingroom and grabbed a couple items from my room. I called up to M* and R* and told R* to let me in now. Threw the phone on the box next to the lamp and locked the door behind me. When M* came back from the laundry (or wherever) , R* yelled "we got company again." I swear she was gonna cry. We talked for 20 minutes or more before Jim even missed me. Dunno what cued him off, might've been the fact I left my room's door open and I dont do that usually due to the fish/cat situation. Well, he called up and wanted to talk to me. So I took the phone and he started in with how hurtful the message was that I left. Ok, I agree, it wasnt exactly the nicest and I would have apologized for it...but the minute he used the "f" word I knew I shouldnt back down. I hung up and said if he calls again- no I dont wanna talk. Well about 5 minutes later he did call so M* talked with him. I guess he wanted her to go down cuz she said "If your own wife wont go, then I dont think it's safe for me to be down there." She sent R* down. He was gone for over an hour and while he was I gave her the full story. The years of crap I'd gotten. She bawled her eyes out. R* came back up and said Jim was calmer and was asking for me. I said NO and I was bussing to work so he could just damn well sleep in. I'd make a decision at work as to whether I'd return or not. R* called and informed Jim of what I said (the decision of which kept Jim up all night praying). I slept on the sofa (even though the futon upstairs was offered). Got up with the alarm and got ready. Already planning to leave, I just waited for the time for the bus. R* got up and offered me a cuppa tea and I said no. We talked awhile and M* got up and again I was offered tea. She made some in a travel mug. When it got time to go I grabbed my bags and M* flipped. Told me not to carry all the bags to work (what "all"? Only had one sack and a briefcase...) Come back later if necessary to pick up. If I had only taken the, I'd be saner now. A whole lot saner now. I got to work and called that friend from the night before (I had spoken to them from R*s cell phone and was told to cool off first and call back after I'd thought it over) to let them know I was ok. Still mad, but not racing hot. The friend was glad to hear that and reiterated that I could have a ride IF it was necessary. Again Im gonna say I shoulda left for good the night before and here was a second chance to leave and I didnt take it. How stupid can you be? Well, when the store opened I got a call (groan) from Jim. He was extremely apologetic. I told him he needed to start with G*. He said he'd been calling around and couldnt find him. I told him G* said something about staying in town and ther are like 3 hotels in the area. So he tried the other hotels and SOMEHOW managed to convince G* to come back. Called me back and told me. To be honest, if G* had said no Iwoulda too. I figured if it got bad, I had an escape this way. Work was uneventful that day and went muck too quickly. Jim picked me up and G* was with him. We started this visit over, but things were strained. G* told me later he's never coming back unless Jim has therapy, and there is some major changes. Cant say I blame him any...

I dont think I misread G*'s eyes that night. His face showed how worried he was. If I had known that other friend was gonna flake I woulda left that night without stopping. I dont know where I woulda ended up though. Im very sure M* felt worse than I did that night. Guarantee it would have been even worse if I'd gone without a trace like I had planned. There's a whole lot I shoulda done. I shoulda left with G*...I shoulda talked to my boss at work...I shoulda opened my mouth sooner. Im just lucky I didnt end up dead on the streets that night....worse yet dead in my own apartment.

Original entry written in Yahoo 360 on Monday November 13, 2006 - 10:57pm
Entry for October 17, 2006

Sorry for the delay. I was realizing as I was typing this that it was the cause for some of my migraines and felt it would be best to set it down for a bit.

Sorry for the length of time between entries, dont know where the time went. So hard to do it at home as he is getting nosier with each day.
Well as I was hanging my coat, Jim decided to grab his coat and leave. I was in absolute and complete shock. Totally embarrassed. So I swung to the other side of the table and sat down. G* said he refused to chase after him and he was hungry... then told me I wasnt going either. Well fine I wont. We sat and talked a long time. I spilled my guts about everything. Jim spent the whole time outside- he made it to the car eventually and sat there for the duration.

To say he merely left, is yet another understatement. He more like STORMED out of the establishment drawing attention from most of the patrons like some damn drama queen. Lord knows where he went to because he didnt go straight to the car. The car was parked right outside of the window where we were seated so I could SEE when he got back in the vehicle. When he did get into the vehicle he sat there with his arms crossed tightly and stared at the two of us as we had supper and talked. If I had been smart I would have sicced the restaurant manager on him, but if I had he would have left us there for a long cold walk home.

G* and I talked at length. I told him when we left I needed to place a phone call... just in case. So I called my friend (I knew them through a chatsite) that lived about 30 minutes out. We'd already discussed Jim and his moods at great length over several conversations and I had out and out asked if things got rough enough if I could get picked up and get outta there and I had been promised yes (I must've been thinking something like this would happen). I called and let my friend know all that was going down . My friend got upset (something about being through the same thing twice already themselves). I said I was going to go home and see what was what...see what would happen and I'd call later. G* and I left the restaurant and got into the car.

This "friend" I called really let me down. Flaked out when the going got rough and didnt stand by their word. Why Im still protecting the identity of this person I have friggin clue because I found out much later they spread the nasty rumor that I was stalking them. Yeah right. Here I thought I knew them well, thought I had a kindred spirit, a friend.... and come to find out I didnt. Damn idiot was spineless and weak. Taught me to trust NO ONE unless I've talked to them for several years or at least know them in person.

Jim patched off at 60 mph in the parkinglot. I wasnt even belted in yet. He hit that dip between the hotel and the restaurant next door and of course I ended up hitting my head on the ceiling HARD. Good thing there Was no ice on the roads because we woulda had an accident for sure. We got back to home and Jim stormed into his room. I apologized profusely AGAIN to G*.

The restaurant's parking lot was hooked to the lot attached to the hotel next door. There was a steep decline between the lots with the hotel being on the lower end. It was definitely something you couldnt take at the posted 35 much less the 60mph that he was driving. We hit the top and the car was actually AIRBORNE a full 3 seconds...as we hit the ground, I was still moving upwards. Im surprised I didnt get a concussion with as hard as I hit. I had a lump up top for days ...so I probably did. That didnt bother me so much as the look he gave me in the review mirror as it happened. The asshole actually looked HAPPY at the possibility that I'd be hurt. The look was a pure evil grin. I'll never forget that....never at all. The roads on that street are narrow AND there's street parking to boot. Many apartments along that main drag and NO lots for them to park in.
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Wednesday October 18, 2006 - 12:01am

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Entry for September 26, 2006
I know it's been a few days. It's so hard to do this on weekends.... Dont think I've spoken to him much since that night at church. Been very quiet in the car. He wants to ask (and has only a couple times)... but I think he's afraid to now. Last time he asked I told him he wasnt ready to hear what needed to be said, nor was I ready to tell him. He's been skirting the issue ever since. On Thursday (the second day of prayer services), we went again and this time I went up to be annointed for prayer. Jim returned to our seats, but I stayed up front. I felt sooooooooooooooo freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! Just me and God. It was very powerful. No thoughts, no distractions, no nuffin............ Felt great. Was able to give my all... again, a silent car trip. Been having those alot lately, I know he wants to talk, but I simply am not ready.

Oh gosh this prayer service was great. I felt the shackles fall off and a deep peace fall over me. Not enough peace to take things up with him, however....but enough I knew I would be able to handle nearly anything thrown at me.

Let's back it up a bit now to the Sunday before New Years. Had a decent day and we were expecting G* to come in. Couldnt wait to see him again. Well at 550pm I called home for a ride. No answer. I figure, ok G*'s there and they're talking and dont hear the phone. So I call continuously for the next 15 minutes and then called M*. Told her I'd been calling and calling and would like to go home....When I got done with her I called home one more time to no avail and went back to work. At 615pm I called and again no answer so I left a message. Ok I admit it wasnt nice, but I was pissed at this point. Felt unimportant and underappreciated. So I asked one of the gals to bring me home because I wasnt sure Jim got the message or not. I guess 10 minutes after Grizelle and I left, Jim showed up and they said I left. G* said Jim got mad...

Mad is a total understatement. G* said he was furious and screamed and hollared all the way home. At least he was seeing what I was going through and wasnt going to doubt anything I had to tell him later.

Grizelle and I had a nice long talk and we discussed EVERYTHING. Thoughts and feelings. She agreed with my analysis of the entire marriage. I am so ready to go. When I got home I went upstairs to visit M* and R*. Had a nice cuppa tea with them and we chatted. Jim got home and checked the messages I guess, then called up.Threw a fit that I was there. Well M* gave him what for and told him Id be down when I was done with my tea. Then she proceeded to make me another cup LOL! When I got calmed down (as I arrived pissed off) I went downstairs. Must've been about 8pm or so.

Oh I was so fed up at him. I had called and I know the message was given to him that I was calling. How hard would it have been to pick up the phone and leave a message at the store that he was on his way? Nooooo....I find out later that he just grabbed his jacket and left. Dontcha think that if you get the message that the person you're picking up has been calling ad naseum regarding the ride...that maybe just maybe they're kinda pissed by now and that a call saying you're on your way is in order???

G* got up and greeted me when I got home but Jim....oh no....just sat there and fumed. Not one word. So I said let me change and I'll be right out. Got comfy and soaked my work shirts. Went back to the livingroom and asked if we were going out or pizza delivery in. G* said out so I said ok let me do a couple things and I'll be right with ya. When I was done, grabbed my belly bag and went to the livingroom. Ok all set. We left. Well G* and I did. Jim more like stormed out. I sat in the back seat cuz I really didnt feel like talking to him...not if he was gonna be an asshole. He drove us to the restaurant....if you can call it driving. More like the Indianapolis 500.... We got to the Diner and Jim tells me to sit over with G*. Ok, well fine, I will.

Saying that he was having a hissy fit would be putting it mildly. I must remind you...this was before New Years in Pa...which means snow and the roads were icy. Plus the town we lived in, the roads were fairly narrow with onstreet parking...no driveways. After 8pm, meaning most people were home now and alot of cars were parked on the sides of the streets. When we got to the diner, he didnt just tell me to sit with his best friend...but more like snarled it. I was sooooo embarrassed. More so for G* than I was for myself. The look on G*'s face said it all. Best friends for years and each time he visited, the visit quality went downhill.....and this was the worst by far. He'd driven in from another state to visit and was treated like shit. Top things all off, while we were at home he couldnt be bothered to go to the back of the apartment to see if we could talk it out first. He just sat and fkn stewed in his rocker.

Original post written in Yahoo360 on Tuesday September 26, 2006 - 01:37pm
Entry for September 25, 2006
Well ok...so...I'm being told my hubby (whom I really am still very pissed at) isn't really mine, but belongs to someone else. Doesnt make me feel any better tho. When we got to prayer time, I felt alone, but at the same time trapped-chained-leashed.

Services go prayer, worship, sermon and another prayertime before closing. This was after the sermon.

I will get thru this -honestly. I stood there with my eyes closed praying and all I could think was why? Why were we allowed to marry? Why did it happen? Why? Why? WHY? Well, right about now I started hearing "Im sorry my daughter"and I felt His presence right there holding me. "Im sorry daughter, but he was never meant to be for you." All I could do is start crying. The tears just poured and I couldnt stop. I didnt wail as if heartbroken, I just cried...and I felt myself rocked gently and comforted thru it all with every so often the "Im sorry " phrase...I was much more depressed than when I started as pieces started falling into place...all the trials, the fact we were never blessed (and at this point I feel we were never MEANT to be blessed)...blessings that are meant for him and for me, but will never be received while we are together. Although he wont see it at first, he will be blessed beyond belief once I go. Everything he's SUPPOSED to be getting will arrive, but not with me around. All this fell into place....next thing I know Im on my side, cant hold myself up, still crying. All my energy gone. Things moved so quickly...finally the first voices (human that is) I start really hearing belong to the pastor telling Jim to bring me up....I needed prayer. Ever so slowly, wanting to stay nailed to the spot- but yet go 'cause I needed prayer. I made my way to the front-groping- feeling my way. Jim tried to assist but I wanted none of it. Havent wanted his touch in a long time, and I really didnt want it now. It felt dirty. Went to the front and pastor placed his hands on my head and I felt that I would be going to my knees soon. I grasped his wrists for support. Someone kept insisting on touching ( I think it may have been Jim) my back or something and I remember leaning into the safety of the pastor's hands and away from the ones behind that I found so offensive. Down I go and I barely remember many of the words said. Someone yelled "Fire" repeatedly, but I felt nothing unusual (short of not being able to move at all)- no unusual reactions. Another voice was praying depression to leave me and I could hear someone asking Jim about what was going on that would be the cause of such great depression. He blamed my work and the hours. If he only knew-if he only listened to the voices talking...he'd have known the truth...but he kept on thanking God....he was so happy. Debbie placed her hand over my ear and started praying. She said later that she got knocked off her legs and thrown away from me. God is jealous and she was interfering with our conversation. It took awhile before the effects started to wear off. I had to really fight to get up. Felt weak and could only sit on the floor. Jim insisted stroking my hair and I kept trying to move away from him....he just wouldnt catch the hint. All he was doing was giving me a headache and making me tense. I struggled to my feet and we left. That night I became more silent and withdrawn then ever before. So much thinking to do. So many items to ponder.

Chained-trapped-leashed was exactly how I was feeling in the beginning. Felt so much like this that I could envision and sometimes actually feel the shackles on my legs. It wasnt a good feeling....I could almost feel them chafing my ankles. They started to feel removed when I got that rocking sensation. That rocking...it felt much like being on a parent's lap with their arms wrapped clear around you...rocking to soothe your fears or to lull you to sleep. My arms werent even folded in prayer or even up in the air praising at this point. My hands were folded over my arms like you did when you were a child cuddled in the safety of that parent's lap. I must have crumpled to the ground after a while. It wasnt a distinct fall because if it had been that I would have hit something while I went down and I didnt. I just realized I was on the ground in a fetal position as if I was curling around a teddy bear. I still cant get over the fact I was hearing words and not seeing a whole lot in pictures as usual. Those tears just kept coming. Not gasping sobs...just there and pouring down my cheeks. Ewww how I didnt want that man(Jim) touching me...his hands felt dirty and nasty and gross. Looking back I wish I had had the strength to tell him about his bad self right in the church. I was just so wiped though. I had forgotten how tired this can make you. He sat there and blamed work and the hours for my depression. Surprising how accurately they pinpointed how deep the depression was. I know he spoke to them and may have mentioned that I was depressed, but Im sure he didnt know how deeply it ran. He was just so happy I was getting help. *Ugh* please. It just made me worse because I knew what needed doing. I think subconciously I knew he was doing something wrong and was a hypocrite to the nth degree. Not only had I gone to a bigger store with more responsibilities, but somehow on an animalistic level I knew he was up to no good. As I look back, I am wondering if God was trying to get it taken care of, but his agents wouldnt or couldnt do what they should with me in the way. I am sure that Michelle (the neighbor upstairs that I find out later he was stalking) didnt want to call the police on him because she didnt want me hurt in anyway. I feel sure there may be a few more out there that were the same way.
While the congregation was praying, I think the "Fire" I was hearing was them trying to summon the fire of the Holy Spirit for a cleansing. It's highly possible. I know it didnt last long so Im guessing they were instructed by higher up to stop. As for Debbie ( a heavy set lady of the church and the only name I remember from there), she was interfering with a conversation and evidentally Our Father was talking in that particular ear and since she didnt get the hint...He just removed her like He would a child.. I felt so weak afterwards. I didnt really sit...I was more like still on my side and propped up with my arm. I was more depressed than when it all started and almost didnt want to go the next night....but I knew I needed to so I could get the rest of the answers to the questions I had.
I was entirely certain at that point that each of us would be blessed after I left. Well, at least get what we deserved. Looking back, I guess we did. I ended up with a great man who treats me like a queen and I've been given happiness. Jim, well he got what he deserved too....hopefully he got the help he needed to get where he has to go.

Original written in Yahoo 360 on Monday September 25, 2006 - 11:11am

Friday, June 15, 2007

Entry for September 24, 2006

Ok I guess we're seeing why I think this is silly lol. Cant seem to commit to this daily AND I get terribly sidetracked.

So if we were meant only as guides, what possessed us to marry? Both were raised that sex before marriage was a no no. I am afraid part of our trouble may have been purely physical. Two, old virgins feeling desparate that no one would ever love them. Growing up with parents that married young and friends all around that are finding their lifelong loves and marrying.

Yeah, I know another short entry. Rather strange that they are so short considering how long of an epic I usually write. I still have the belief that part of our problem was a physical one. I was coming into my prime and, being 6 years older, I think his biological clock was ticking. I know...that term is usually used with gals, but it holds true for guys too Im sure. Another part of the problem is because of my loneliness and feeling "old maidish" I was blinded to his true inner self.....even when it started to rear it's ugly head.


Ok. Seeing a pattern here. Have yet to finish a single entry thru to completion. Sincerely doubt that this one will be too, considering that Im at work. Have taken to carrying this with me to write during my free moments...but knowing the way things go, Lisa will want to have lunch and I wont get thru it then either

The above was written during a 15 minute break at work. Just so you know why there is a huge break here. Lisa was a department manager over a different area where I was then working. She'd gone through something similar and had been helping me cope with the emotions I was going through as I was pretty much becoming a wreck and falling apart before everyone's eyes.

Well I was wrong . Am sitting basically alone so maybe I can get some of this done. As I was saying...Wednesday we went to the prayer meeting. Maybe I should start from the beginning.

As per usual I started praying before the teachings. Again for this church I "saw" expansion....and really quickly. The walls, the roof all blew out in a huge explosion.....walls, dust and debris everywhere. I turned (physically as well as mentally) and could see Jim standing in the middle of it all. I know physically he was right next to me....but there he stood in the thick of it all. One thing stood out among it all. He was ALONE. Other people around yes, but not me. I felt that he had purpose there, that he'd do great things, however he couldnt do them with me around. This was piece one that fell into place. Got me to thinking....the pastor started his teaching for the night. He was talking about obedience and how God is a very jealous God. The only term coming to mind when I quick glanced at Jim was "mine". I knew then that I didnt have a broken marriage, but one that should never have been. I closed my eyes, to see if I could get clarification on this, but the thought had been so strong and insistant that I only heard it again...echoing.

Ok. As I said before, when Im praying I see things in pictures. Kinda like a child with a story book. The first church I went to in Louisiana I always had a problem with. It stagnated. I never "felt" growth for them. After a few months there I swear I heard hissing while I was praying and refused to go there again. Shortly there after, they found several in the congregation who werent who they said they were. Not only that but they undermined everything the church and school stood for and as a result, the year after I quit working for the school...many of the founding fathers (and mothers) started losing their jobs to these critters. After 2 years of this undermining, the whole infrastructure there crumbled into ruin.

The second church I went to in Louisiana was different. The first one had been huge...yet no feeling of expansion. The second one....very very tiny. Yet the church was packed out with twice the parishoners. While praying in THIS church I had that explosion feeling and "saw" the roof lift so I could no longer see it and the walls expanded out to the same result. I knew God had big plans for this group...and this was my first time in this church. I told the pastor and his wife later what I "saw" and I got pulled into their office. They hadnt told anyone yet but there were blueprints and all sorts of plans on the pastor's desk dealing with expanding the existing church. The pastor looked at his wife and asked her if she said anything as we worked at the same school at the time and she said no. So how did I find out when I hadnt been told by human methods? I certainly didnt know it before I walked in the building I didnt know anyone there...except Cathy and even she didnt know. In fact she was really surprised that I found out before she did. I hadnt talked to the pastor's wife.

Those were just showing that this wasnt a one time fluke. It's happened before. Each time my feelings were correct. So when this expansion vision came to me in Pa...I didnt doubt there was a basis for it. It was strange "seeing" all the walls and bricks scattered around and dust thick in the air. Stranger yet was seeing him there with shadows of what I am guessing were the other church goers....but considering what all happened Im wondering if they werent someone elses. *shudder* When I had this vision I physically turned as well as mentally and saw him behind me. This told me I was going to move on...and soon. That he wouldnt be following me. I had the feeling these shadowy figures were there to help him in the new direction he was to go.

Now that "mine" comment. That was plumb weird. I'd NEVER heard a voice before. Never heard words while praying...just always the pictures. It certainly wasnt my word. Nor would I repeat it over and over. I was at the "Hell No" stage so I know it wasnt me.

Original entry written in Yahoo 360 on Sunday September 24, 2006 - 11:19am
In these entries you'll see 2 dates. The entry date for when I put it in my Yahoo 360 and the second is the date I actually wrote it in the diary. I stopped writing in it shortly after I moved to Texas because I had a wonderful man and was happy. I may go into more detail later into some of these. Ive spent the last 3 years trying to forget some of this stuff. Sometimes things just simply backflash on me, triggered by some action, smell or word. Explanations to each entry will be in a different font and color to make it easier to keep track. Im going to put my comments from this blog in the default color, the Yahoo comments in purple and the diary entry in blue italics. I hope this helps. Unless you're colorblind, then you're pretty much screwed.

Entry for August 15, 2006
Ok. So all my life I have felt journalling was an immensely silly idea and actually couldnt understand why Jim insisted on doing one. But after prayer services the other night someone suggested it and I do have to admit writing it (and I have told some of these often enough by now) has become theraputic for me. I have discovered I have quite the support structure thru work and online. The last 4 months have been a real trial and extremely eye opening. The last 2 days have placed some pieces of my life's puzzle to help me see why certain things have been happening for our entire marriage. The feeling that this marriage is broken is compounded by what I have seen, felt and heard during these 2 days. So hense this journal. A way to explore questions fully and save what little sanity I have remaining.

***NOTES: You'll notice each entry is rather confusing and many times will be shorter than what I normally type as I was writing them out longhand at the time. I got in the habit of carrying a spiral notebook with me when I went to work and hid it when I got home. If anyone sees anything in here that looks even remotely familiar in any way...whther it's a friend..a co-worker....a sister...cousin....family....yourself... I highly encourage a trip to the councellor. I only pray that these words will help another who finds herself in the same situation. Dont go through it alone...there IS help out there.

Gonna write K* (wait just do it now silly). BRB. Ok. Dropped a YM to K* asking her to send me a list of questions that a therapist would ask a person in my situation so I could explore all facets. Maybe to make this easier, I'd better start discussing what happened at church to make me so sure that this marriage isnt just broken, but never should have been. Wednesday night we went to prayer services. It was my first night at this church and I was nervous. So many new people and Jim had been talking nonstop about me. I hate being at a disadvantage like that. Well, anyway, services got started. I like this pastor. He's a big stuffed teddy bear. Well I guess when they do prayer, they turn the lights down to make it more private. Cool by me....as far as I was concerned it didnt matter one way or another- but I digress. Well as I was praying and getting myself where I needed to be it felt like I was being hugged and next thing I knew I was crying....sobbing uncontrollably. It felt like I was being held by my daddy. My mind raced over the teachings about obedience and how He is a jealous God. Then..the following words came to mind....
"Im sorry my daughter, but he was never meant for you...you were never supposed to marry him." (or was it you were never meant to marry?)
Anyway the feeling that we were supposed to only be guides for each other was extremely strong....

***NOTES: When I say I felt like I was being hugged...there was no one physically touching me. I felt like a little child sitting on my daddy's lap with his arms clear around me. I seem to remember feeling like I was being rocked like in a rocker... in such a way that a parent would rock a child to soothe them. This was also one of the few times I actually heard the words. There were no pictures in my mind at this point. Just the words. That feeling I has about being guides makes sense too, yet I still dont understand it. Im now thinking that this was one of those friends for a reason or season thingys. For a while the entries were very short because I didnt have a whole lot of time. I was writing at work during lunch and never wrote in it at home because it wasnt time for him to know about this yet. I'll type more later, they'll either have one or two entries and notes as I have them here. I dont want this to be too long of a read at any one sitting.

Original entry written in Yahoo 360 on Tuesday August 15, 2006 - 02:52am

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Entry for August 07, 2006

Many apologies yet again for not keeping up with this. I have a bad feeling the closer I get to that decade I'll end up putting it off more and more because deep down I dread the hell outta talking about it. You'll notice by the new look of the blog that I've opted to skip right ahead into the timeframe when I started my diary. So you have an idea where my mind was Im going to type straight from the diary itself. Fair warning I do go into my own religious beliefs in a part of it. So you have fair warning I will say I do believe whole heartedly in God and do believe He does communicate with us when we are ready to hear His words. Some people are mature enough to hear His words and are perfectly capable of holding conversations with Him and understand everything. Others (like myself), either havent been walking on His path long or have been on and off the path alot. These people, I believe are in the youth of their walk yet...much like children...and like children they understand pictures better than words. I havent exactly been the best Christian and havent been walking the path like I should and as such only understand when He provides pictures to help me understand. The diary begins in the next entry. I highly doubt that these entries will have any pictures so you'll just need to keep track of the dates.

Original entry from Yahoo 360 on Monday August 7, 2006 - 11:58pm

06/14/2007 :Side notes: as you can see I had a really rough time facing this time in my life. I still do infact. Once I get caught up it could be days before I actually type the next entry as everytime I pull the diary out I end up with a headache.

Entry for June 18, 2006

Sorry it's been so long since the last post. I'm tryin to decide if I really want to work this section of my blog at all. I simply am having problems bringin myself to write in it and I havent even got to the point I was meaning to deal with anyhow. I just seem to have a total lack of ambition to work on it....kinda like working on that wedding dress I need to do.
The house on West Second Street was the next house we were in. We lived there for several years..until 1990. Well my folks and bro lived there til '90, I moved in 1989. What a damn mistake that was....and yes this comment is indeed foreshadowing. This house was a one story grey house with a screened in front porch and an eagle up in the peak. There was a small backyard with a pine tree smack dead center of it and another smaller one on the back corner on the property line. There was a fence on 2 sides of the yard....one was a privacy fence that the one neighbor had up and the other was a simple chain link one. We had a shed in the back for us to keep our bikes and the lawn equipment.
The front porch was long and narrow. There were two windows looking in from the porch to the house...one in the livingroom and one in the front bedroom. This leads me to believe that the porch was a later addition to the house. Otherwise the builders were totally whacked. Technically, in this age that house would be considered a 1-2 bedroom, but there were actually spaces for 3 bedrooms. The front door went right into the livingroom and if you looked to the left there was the smallest of the 3 bedrooms. To say the room was small is an understatement as it only had room for the twin bed and a free standing closet. The only time I could fit my dresser in there was in the winter when I placed it infront of the window to help keep the drafts out. The livingroom was midsized and had dark panelling up on the walls. There was an archway that led from the livingroom to the familyroom. Technically I believe it was meant to be a diningroom as there was this hanging chandelier and fancy texturized walls. On the left were 2 doors.....the first went to what was my brother's room (it had light colored panelling and a Winnie the Pooh mural on the accent wall) and the other one went to my folks room. Their room was the mid-sized room compared to mine and my brother's and was the only one with an actual closet in it. There was a built in closet in the family room for our coats n stuff. Just past the familyroom was the kitchen with the bathroom off to the left. The side door to the house entered at the kitchen on the right hand side. The third door in the kitchen led down to a landing which led you to either the basement or the backyard depending on which direction you went. We had the washer and dryer in the basement, as well as the waterheater and furnace. We also had a free-standing freezer in the basement to store extra food mom cooked. Father in was daddy's work area......and no one went back there but daddy and sometimes mommy.

Original entry from Yahoo 360 on Sunday June 18, 2006 - 09:59pm

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Entry for May 01, 2006

I have been looking around for old pictures for this blog and found this one in my baby book. I love this baby book...it's called All My Life and it truly encompasses my whole life. They dont make baby books like this anymore so I've decided when I finally start having my own children Im going to scan the pages and remove the writing and start new books for them. They wont be nearly as nice, but at least then they'll have something to treasure as they get older as it will take them all the way through until their grandkids. I need to redo a few of the pages now as I had that horrid divorce and need fresh new pages for my new life.
This picture is of the house we were renting near the one school. I've heard they changed it to some God aweful shade of blue. The front windows on the bottom were in my folk's room and the front up top were in my room. The windows behind that porch area belonged to the kitchen (bottom) and the upstairs one was in a HUGE playroom for my bro n me.The one window right over the porch (kinda in the corner there) belonged to my brother's room. That was a room I remember spending some time in that winter as my bro developed asthma and spent a good deal of time in a mist tent. There was a nice livingroom area downstairs and a half bath Im guessing. I remember a shower off the livingroom area but I dont remember a toilet. Not likely they'd only have the one toilet in a 2 story house though. Now that I think of it, I dont recall a full bathroom anywhere in that house...a sink and toilet upstairs...but no tub. We each got our first showers in that house because we'd always had baths up to that point.
I dont remember much about the backyard, although when I pop the address up on the map programs I see a rather large one. Im wondering if something had happened back there that frightened me at one point as I have such vivid memories of the trailor and not so many of this house. Although I remember having a rather large room to myself (finally) and that we didnt put real curtains up because we werent staying long. I remember dad's old army blankets hooked to the curtain rods with clothes pins. I remember not feeling comfy in that room at night and seeingly my "curtains" having pictures of monsters on them (black had dracula and green was Frankenstein) and not being able to sleep well unless mom came in and told any n all ghosts n ghoulies to leave the upstairs and come down to play downstairs. I dont recall using the playroom much...for some reason I didnt like that room much either. I remember likin the kitchen and livingroom areas though. They felt warm and friendly and bro was always smelling chocolate in the kitchen even if mom hadnt been baking at all. I didnt like even looking in the pantry as it was the entry for the basement and those stairs looked plumb nasty...and ohhhhhhhhhh was it cold in there...even in the warmer months.
As I mentioned in the second paragraph, my bro developed asthma while in this house. I remember helping mom make bricks of ice outta half gallon milk containers and helping cart those puppies upstairs to put into the humidifier at the back of his mist tent. Due to his asthma, my brother didnt really grow too much. For a long time he was rather small for his age.... but God Blessed him in other ways and gave him a brain that was absolutely phenominal...smart as a whip and could grasp concepts quicker than most. He was always making the cover of the school newsletter for one thing or another.
We stayed in this house for about a month and a half. Only reason I even know is it's written in my baby book.LOL. I remember sometime during our stay that we slept in our parents room down stairs because it was so cold upstairs. Im thinking about then mom must have been packing the house up as one day I went to school from that house and was told to take a bus home and go to the new house.
Original entry from Yahoo 360 on Monday May 1, 2006 - 02:06pm