"Your words have no power to alter the truth. Your perception does not affect any reality but your own... it is your words and deeds that cast your reflection. "

~Luna Jade, musician

Sunday, February 21, 2016

More Pottstown... Starting anew?

The first night there didn't make me feel any better. I felt so very exposed with those huge windows in the livingroom. It felt as though the whole world was watching me. I can hear it now... "wait, I thought you were a Leo... most Leos LOVE the attention!!" Well, as I said, I'm very atypical of the sign. Although I hate being ignored and neglected, I don't exactly like to be in the spotlight either. Well, a spotlight within a group where I can blend in, yeah.... but alone with only one or two others? Nope. The next day we had to go to WalMart and attempt to replace some of the dire necessities (cleaning supplies, food, curtains, etc). While there we called the landlord and ended up speaking to the secretary and explaining that we had the truck fall thru and had to replace some of the stuff and we were going to be short already. I know, not a really good start. That truck would have been so helpful.... but what's done is done. I know why it happened and I certainly don't blame this person for deciding the way they did because Idjut wouldn't have paid it back and we both knew this. So an arrangement was made where we paid every other week in an attempt to keep up with the rent and in this way managed to keep a roof over our heads.

Thanks to a Salvation Army/ secondhand store, we managed to get a few of the essentials. A couple pots and pans, a couple cups for tea/coffee, flatware and a place setting for each of us. There was no way we could have company for more than a cuppa tea, but it was better than nothing.

In time we managed to get a couple cheap rocking chairs from the flea market in town and a desk for my computer. I had to set up in the livingroom because he threw a fit when I suggested the little room with the big window. He absolutely wanted me out where I could keep him company. Never mind that he spent the whole time reading/watching documentaries and ignoring me totally. If he wasn't doing that then he was in HIS room running war simulations with toys or playing his guitar for hours on end. I finally had enough of the nonsense and pulled my computer into the small room and set it up to be my own little hideaway. Oh he didn't like that one bit. Threw a fit about it. So I tried to make a deal with him. I'd stay out in the livingroom to eat and socialize until 8 or 9pm, but then he couldn't fuss if I went to my room for a little bit. This worked fine for a week, until he started slinking off to his room at 630 or 7pm. So I said fine.... what's good for the goose is good for the gander. I'd wait 10 minutes and then go to my room.  Hey, if he wasn't going to be available to talk to, then I wasn't either. Seemed fair to me. Right? Oh no... he had a fit when he came out of his room around 730pm and I wasn't in the livingroom watching tv. So naturally he waltzed into my room (didn't even bother knocking like he INSISTED I do before entering his room) and started giving me fits about it. I told him that if I had to play by those rules, he did too. That I came up with that idea because HE was "lonely" and wanted to spend time with me. That if he was going to go to his room for alone time then I was too. It was only fair. PERIOD.  So the 8 or 9pm rule went into effect again, but it only lasted another week before he was back to his old ways again.

Now that I look back on it, this was a rather scary confrontation considering the layout of the room. The room was only about 3'x8' at the most. The outer wall had a big display window, like you see in the clothing stores in malls. There was a smaller, ventilation sized window on either side of it.  On the wall opposite was the door to the room. On the short wall, furthest from the door, is where I had my computer. The wall was just long enough to put a small computer desk and a decorative piece on the floor next to it. At the time I didn't have an office chair, I was using my rocker while at the computer. So there was no way to turn and get out of it quickly. The door was about 3' away from the back of my chair. So when he'd come in, he was at the left side of my chair before I could react and I was forced to look up at him. Yeah... I was arguing from that position. If he'd had a knife or any kind of weapon....

Anyhow, once he went back to his ways... I decided what the hell. I started heading off to my room earlier and earlier. Even before he went to his room. Like I said, what was good for the goose... It was about that time I was letting my online friends know, if I don't arrive by a certain point of the night or I don't at least drop an email , something might be wrong.

I hated everything about my life. I hated where I was, who I was married to, my job, everything. By the time I'd been in Pottstown for 2-3 months, I was at the point of "No one will miss me if I (insert method of suicide)". I had friends online, but none that took me seriously. Fairly certain they all saw me as some drama queen trying to get attention. Well, I was trying to get attention. I felt like I was going insane and I knew for sure something was wrong. However, since he never hit me... it couldn't be abuse, could it? However, I got the feeling then (and I still have it now) that those friends thought I was just telling stories.

I wasn't.


ChicagoLady said...

Sounds like a horrible situation to be in. I'm so glad you're in a better place now. *HUGS*

Intense Guy said...

You could have wrote "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" and made it more horrifying.

I'm sure Jack N. would play Idjut just right.