"Your words have no power to alter the truth. Your perception does not affect any reality but your own... it is your words and deeds that cast your reflection. "

~Luna Jade, musician

Monday, July 9, 2007

Memories of Deerfield Park

Deerfield Park was a very nice apartment complex up near Carrier Circle in Syracuse. The apartment I ended up in up that way was easily 2-3 TIMES the size of where I had been living. It was in a very nice area too....therefore it had a rather substantial rent (for the area and the time) but with only paying half of everything I was saving nearly $150 or more a month ($250+ only 1/2 the utilities for 2-3 times the size the space as opposed to $375 + all utilities for what amounted as to Paris Hilton's shoe closet). The apartment was bright and beautiful and I had very high hopes that things were going to look up. The only problem I had with the apartment was the fact I had to take a very early bus to catch a transfer to get to work. This meant being up at 4am most days. I was hoping this was going to be worth it though.

When I brought Jim to see it the first time, he fell in love with it. He also liked the fact I had a roomie and wouldnt be in a location all by myself all the time. It was rather upsetting to see that MM* had grabbed the larger of the two bedrooms without asking first but when she explained later why she did, I was rather appreciative of her forethought (the bigger room looked out onto the road and she wasnt sure how busy it'd get and knowing I had to be up ultra-early while she was a theatre manager and was up half the night anyhow). I think he threw the bigger fit as to who got what room than I did. I didnt care as on my days off I like to sleep and I realized very quick I had a north facing bedroom which meant less sunlight in the AM hours...meaning I could sleep as long as I wanted if I was tired or not feeling well.

Things were well for a few weeks and then the bickering at work began again. Never ever was there a sign of trouble in the apartment or loud enough for his folks to hear when we were visiting. But the trouble was there nonetheless. I remember one particular arguement we had, I cant remember wtf it was about all I know is that he was supposed to pick me up after work (his shift ended about 2 hours before mine that day) and he wasnt there. Oh I knew he had to go to the library for research (he was working on his masters degree at that point) and I knew that's probably where he went. However, he was late and I was tired and I also knew we had a huge blow out at work so I figured he wasnt going to show up. I had been waiting for 30 minutes when a friend of mine saw me waiting and offered me a ride home. I took her up on it. We got talking and she expressed some concern with what was going on but didnt press the issue. She got me home and I locked myself in the apartment. I hadnt been home 15 minutes when I saw Jim's truck pull up. Thankfully the blinds were pulled just so where I could look out and people couldnt really see in . He came right up to the door and pounded away...ringing every few seconds. I crept up to the door and peeked out the peep hole and just watched (God I wish I had kept those balls and left sooner. *sigh*). He left the door and I heard the truck roar off. I went to my room for a good cry and spent most of the evening in there. Infact I spent most of my weekend in the room. The phone would ring and I'd monitor the machine. He called several times. The first call came about an hour or so after he left. He was fit to be tied. He knew I had to be at the apartment because he'd asked at work and they told him who gave me a ride. Oh he left all sorts of obscenities on that message. On the Saturday of that weekend, I got several more calls wondering where I was and if I was ok. Sunday was more of the same. I didnt see much of MM* that weekend either as she worked nights and didnt get home until really early AM so I was asleep. I didnt see much of her even in the early afternoons because she was spending much time with her mom (who was going through a divorce). At the time, he hadnt been creeping her out yet so she didnt say much. Only enough to register that he wasnt around and mention I didnt look well. Monday morning I was up early to catch the bus and get to work. He was late getting in because out of habit he'd swung by the apartment complex to give me a ride and I hadnt been in my usual spot so he drove completely through the complex to check if I was walking. He was a ball of emotions when he got in that day because he was pissed but yet happy to see I was ok and very contrite about our altercation that one Friday. I guess he was worried all weekend. Good for him. It's sad that I'd have to take such drastic steps to get him to notice when he was doing wrong. I dunno where or when I lost my balls in this relationship but damn Im glad I found them when I did.

Now that I think back I think that particular fight was because of our jobs. The hardlines side of KMart had moved him to the stockroom and I had been expressing a major displeasure with being out on the sales floor because of something or other. I think part of the problem was a conflict of personalities in the softlines area and I just did NOT get along with this one person. They were making life pretty much hell for me. When I went to talk to a hardlines manager about a transfer my boss got mad at me because I should have come to her first and I didnt. She said maybe I just needed a change of scenery and placed me in receiving to work with our stocker. Unfortunately for Jim and me, I thrived back there and did the job well and he, on the other hand couldnt handle it (softlines receiving was mostly processing, labelling and hanging the garments while hardlines deals with everything else). As a result of him not being able to handle it , he got moved back out to the Sporting Goods Department while I stayed in the back. The backroom people had great hours. At least the receivers did....they had 7-4 or 8-5 shifts, mornings and only M-F. You can see where the rub would be if he's put back from that to a flexible schedule and having to deal with the public while I still had the prime hours out back away from most things.

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