"Your words have no power to alter the truth. Your perception does not affect any reality but your own... it is your words and deeds that cast your reflection. "

~Luna Jade, musician

Monday, July 2, 2007

The beginning of the stupidity


Lord knows what day it is. I know the day is Monday as yesterday was Easter Sunday- the date, however is another matter. 21st. I looked it up. Was bothering me enough to look. Mom called yesterday and said Jim said he definitely sent the check. Well, we'll see. He sounded very contrite from what she said. Supposedly sending me a letter too. Will get it all when I get to Mom and Dads. With any luck wont be staying there long. Just a week. Mom says I need to be out in 3 weeks time. Dunno why and dont know if I want to ask.

Time got away from me so fast once I stopped needing to know exactly what day it was and keep track for every bloody person under my roof. Found out later that Mom had only set that limit because that's the limits her landlord at the mobile home park had allowed. No problem. I love my folks but I definitely didnt want to be under their roof any longer than I had to. Why? Because I was raised that if you live under someone's roof, you live by their rules. Period.

Called and talked to Ross today. He says the apartment was definitely empty. Good, one less thing to worry about. Gonna talk to Kevin tonight and see what I can do to get me off the lease and out from under the eviction notice. If it means saving Jim's ass, so be it. Gotta decide how best to divide things up (possessions and bills), not to mention how to tell him because I dont think he caught the hint. Of course there hasnt been a call in 3 days, maybe he has. Have to get settled and hit a dr or Planned Parenthood and have the paperwork done to find out my status. If I find out after 10 yrs of marriage I am a virgin I'll prolly cry. Of course, in the long run, it will be beneficial for me to be one- but still.

Yes, after 10 yrs there was a huge possibility that the marriage had never been consummated. To put it bluntly, I think I married the poster child for Viagra.....he certainly needed it. No, there isnt any shame in needing the stuff. In fact, I think higher of a guy who knows he needs it and gets himself put on it. However, to know you HAVE these problems and not ACKNOWLEDGE you have a problem and out and out REFUSE to have it looked into...that's another story.

My check should arrive at Mom and Dad's tomorrow or the next day. If it doesnt, I'll need to get the benefits number and deal with it. Am finding it hard remembering what all needs to be done. . All I want is to get a job and settled and have all this crap over- marriage and all. Been nothing but problems from day one.... right from the engagement. Now that I look back, I wonder why I didnt see the flags?? I mean for crying out loud- he had the hots for this tiny little nothing of a gal. She was cute, I guess, blonde with blue eyes. He was chasing her pretty good and she hated it. Dont know how many times I had to chase him from our side of the store because he was interrupting our work. Poor gal was always driven to distraction because of it. She ended up leaving to finish school and never returned to KMart again.

At the time, KMart was divided into softlines (clothes) and hardlines (every other department in the store). It was also using hand tagging for the sales. Damn it was a pain in the ass. Especially having to price the bras and panties. Thank goodness when they went on sale it was for 2 weeks. Everything else in our side would go on sale for a week. We'd set the ad Friday and Saturday (unless it was big , then we'd start organizing on Thursday). This was a pain because Friday and Saturdays were Blue Light sale days so that time cut into getting the merchandise ready for Sunday's circular. I got in the habit of setting but not pricing everything on Wednesday so all I had to do was whip through with the pricing stickers and then sign it. Why so early? Because they discovered what most people have noticed during my streams...I have a great mic voice. As a result, I had to make most of the announcements for the softlines side Blue Lights. *ugh* That's another story though. On Sundays, we had to pull the previous week's ad stickers and remove the signing. Hardlines, however, was already scannable and only had to remove their signage so they finished pulling their ads so much sooner. This left the clerks to do other work for an hour before store opening and since there wasnt a load of work back in Sporting Goods Jim was pretty much free to wander. Oh, Im sure if I went over in his department I could have found plenty to do. Anyhow, this gave him time to come over and harrass this poor gal. Damn, if I'd been smart I would have sicced the store manager on him. There were a couple assistants and the main managers that would have backed me if I'd pushed the issue. But did I? No. Stupid me.

Unfortunately, I befriended him about the same time (shortly before she left) and I feel partially responsible for her leaving (flags 1 and 2). He progressively started using me to get to her (why was I so damn blind?). I guess in a way I liked him and had hoped to garner his attention. But now I realize he was just using me. I feel so dirty. He continued to use me for weeks after she left, getting me to call her at school. He would make sure I had a list of questions to ask. It got so she wouldnt talk to me anymore and told me as much. Anytime I couldnt answer one of his questions he'd get mad at me, or anytime I told him something she said that he didnt like and when she told me not to call - well he didnt like that either. For weeks afterwards, he was inconsolable (or seemingly so)- totally desolate (nothing changed later either). He finally turned to me as a companion (oh great, looking at it now- I was the rebound skank). I was immensely flattered and fell hook, line and sinker for it all. But I see it all clear now. He turned to me simply because I was the only gal that had made herself available to him (big flag!! Why did all the others stay away??). I was so lonely. Not many gentlemen callers and I kept getting older and older. . Maybe that's why I fell so hard.

Looking back, I should have just told him off and salvaged the other friendship. God, I was so damn naive to his real intentions. Up to this point I'd had 3 boyfriends total in my life. I dont think I was really ready for any of them as I was still a bit too young emotionally wise to handle a relationship such as a boyfriend/ girlfriend one. I'd spent most of my school years not forming relationships with many but instead preferring to keep my nose in the books. I had to work hard for the grades I got. My first boyfriend (9th grade) had to leave state (he was from a split family) and then I found out I wasnt his only girl. As for the second (10th grade) and third (just after highschool) ones, I didnt let them get close enough because I didnt want to go through what I had previously. Up until Jim these 3 were the ONLY ones to treat me as more than a friend. Seems most guys liked to hang with me, but didnt like me in "that" way. So I got older and older (in my mind's eye) and instead of being happy with what I had, sat and compared where I was to where mom was at my age. Simply put, I wasnt measuring up in the slightest. In the beginning at KMart, I would have several guys around chattin up a storm...but none seemed to show an interest in me other than to talk shop. When I knew I was going to end up sitting alone, I'd bring my layouts to lunch and work .. effectively putting up a brick wall so I'd be too busy to notice that the other gals were having a great time while I sat alone (most gals didnt like me either...I was too workaholic for their tastes and they'd rather hang with the cute dudes on their off hours). Needless to say, any attention at this point was more welcome than being alone.

When Mom and Dad decided to move and go to California, I opted to stay in NY (man, stupid move...if he loved me he woulda come and gotten me). Discovered after 3 months or so I couldnt really make it alone on what I made, but of course with him draining my funds constantly for stuff, it made it hard. I ended up moving in with MM* and my relationship with her went to hell because he was over CONSTANTLY (even overnight). Almost didnt make rent one month because his car broke down and I helped pay for the repairs. It got so bad there I moved in with Jim and his folks for awhile. After a few months there we moved to our own place. The entire engagement was rough. On again, off again and the fights were horrid. Bad enough I took off the engagement ring several times over. Came really close to throwing the ring at him.

Wow...now this is a jumbled mess. Let me see if I can straighten it out some. Mom and Dad decided to move to California so they'd be near her folks. Dad's mom had moved to Florida and the only thing keeping them there was a 6' plot at Assumption Cemetary. Mom's parents were getting older and it was in her best interest to move and be near them. Shortly after they moved, Jim proposed to me. There was no real engagement ring that HE bought, it was my ring that gramma in Florida gave me on my highschool graduation day. All he did was pay for the resizing as I'd lost a shitload of weight at the time. So that throwing the ring at him never would have happened. I may have given him the money for the resizing though because that would have been the right thing to do.

I found it hard to pay my rent in my first place because of the drain he was putting on my finanaces. It was always "Let''s go spend your money". Oh I know I should have said no. Even if I did, it was real tight all by myself so the move in with a roomie was quite beneficial. MM* was a galfriend from highschool. We got along great so it was a wonderful match. If I had just dumped that albatross from around my neck things would have been better. If she'd just told me he freaked her out instead of going the route of "I wanted you as a roommate...I didnt expect I'd be getting him too"....it may have given me the kick in the pants I needed because I always respected her opinion.

That one month, I almost didnt make my share of the rent because of his truck. It broke down and needed fixing. Since he was being nice enough to pick me up every morning, it was the right thing to put money towards the truck repair. Who knew my share was going to end up being 3/4 of the damn fix. *sheesh* About this time, things hit a rough patch between MM* and me and I moved out. I was still responsible for my half of the rent but at least I didnt have to face that strain anymore (man that was stupid too). Not too long afterwards, KMart redid the way they do things and my schedule got changed to hours I couldnt work (7am-4pm). Why? Because there was no damn bus to get me there and if I moved back to the apartment, the bus from there STILL wouldnt get me to work until 8am or a bit later. About now I was working in receiving. Hardlines receiving had a guy who was in the opposite problem (he needed the 7am-4pm shift) but since we were in different areas of the store they wouldnt switch the hours. I know...bloody stupid. The store level was fine switching things up a little...the head of hardlines receiver was training me how to shut receiving down for the day and the softlines boss was giving the hardlines stock person some small duties on our end. It was working out fine. Jim inadvertantly quit and was giving me grief about staying but was still getting me to work on time. Around my birthday that year, corporate from KMart stepped in and said no, this was the way the schedule was to run...PERIOD. So I told my boss...ok then, this gives me no choice. I put in my 2 weeks and she arranged to keep my schedule 8am-5pm until I left. I remember coming in the next day and having the head of hardlines receiving all up in my face for being an hour late at which point I gave it right back at him. My informing him that I had put my 2 weeks notice in was a slap across the face for him because management never bothered to tell him. He looked like he was going to cry (6'3" man in leather looking like a recently released convict...looking like he was about to cry...). I told him if he had any better ideas he'd best speak up. All I heard from him for 2 weeks was "I wish you werent going"....but not once was it said that he went to management to see how they could get me to stay.

The fights between Jim and I (before he quit) became the soap opera that seemingly everyone there knew about. I feel sorriest for SB* (my partner in softlines receiving) as he had to see some of them or see how I was holding up under the barrage of nasty words. Many times he did all the running and deliveries to our departments because I was in such bad shape.


ChicagoLady said...

Damn, you went through some nasty shit, and I know you haven't even got to the worst of it yet. I do know what you mean about guys not being interested "that" way. And I hate sitting alone, so I choose to read, so others know to leave me alone. Then I don't have to think about the fact that no one will even sit at the same table as me.

LadyStyx said...

I hear ya there. And *IF* they sit with you it's because there's absolutely nowhere else to go. God I hate when that happens. Nothing like being forced to sit with someone and know they dont really wanna be there.

Intense Guy said...

I often read when at a restaurant - its just me at the table and I would be bored otherwise. I enjoy a well cooked meal now and then but dealing with "going out to eat" alone sucks.

I'd enjoy eating lunch or dinner with either or both of you and Chicago Lady. I do horrible on dates and other social activities when I don't know anyone - partly its the hearing problem and partly its just how I am. But I sort of feel like I know a little about you two, and I know whatever you had to say would be interesting.