"Your words have no power to alter the truth. Your perception does not affect any reality but your own... it is your words and deeds that cast your reflection. "

~Luna Jade, musician

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

The Great Escape Continued


By 1130pm or so I was in Pittsburgh, Jim woulda been home by then. I figured he would get the note by the time we were leaving (found out it was several hours later). By 330am, the bus left Columbus (this is when he actually found the note). At 730-8 am we pulled into Louisville and J* was waiting for me. It was so good to see him there waiting for me. Have been here since Tuesday morning.

When I left, I'd placed the note on his diary. It's the first place I figured he'd go. In 20/20 I should have taped it to the wall so he'd see it the minute he came in. From what I hear, the first place he checked was my cubby, then the rest of the apartment. In a panic he didnt bother looking for a note anywhere and just ran out pell mell looking all over town for me. It wasnt until he got back in around 3am or so that he found that note. Would I change how I did this? Nope...just the location of the note. I know if I told him to his face what I said in the note I probably would have ended up leaving there in a bodybag. I think I still have a copy of that note and will type it in after the diary is done.

In Pittsburgh, I considered calling a friend of mine but it was late and we'd parted on not the best of terms. It's a shame, I wish I had as it was the only chance I would have had to meet them face to face. Since that time this person's moved to another country. Im glad they're happy there and Im gladder we're at a point we can talk again but still I wish I had that opportunity back.

J*'s my brother. He took time off work to pick me up. I guess he was all ready to tear into me for running and not planning but one look told him I was already doing what I always did, beating myself up about it. He told me later he didnt have the heart to say anything then because it was pretty clear that I had already done that job for him. All I could do when he hugged me is cry and cry. He told me "Come on let's get you home".

After a couple days I am getting the itch to go again, but feel I have work yet to do. Yesterday (Thursday) got a call from mom. I guess Jim had called her (he's been trying to find me since Tuesday am) and said I got a check from Toys R Us for $1200 *D'OH*!! Damn P.O didnt process my change of address at all. That check should have gone to Mom and Dad's!! Well I broke down horribly and ran to throw up I was so upset.

I didnt want to stay there any longer than I had to as I didnt want to intrude on their lives too much. They'd just had their first kid and last thing they needed was his older sister having a melt-down in their house. Top things all off Jim was calling everyone at all hours of the day to see if I showed up. I give them credit for not giving me up though. K* would tell him "No I havent seen her today" which would be the truth as their bedroom was upstairs and I was on the sofa down stairs.

I had processed a change of addy about a week to week and a half before I left. Unfortunately, that wasnt soon enough. The original plan had been to wait until the check showed and then go, but the fights got so bad that if I waited it would have been too late. All I needed was to wait a couple more days...*sigh*. If I'd known it was that close. If I'd been thinking I would have called the benefits place and changed the addy through them and THAT would have been the end of it. It was bad enough that the check showed up but that damn idiot had the audacity to open my mail up. He should have just forwarded it to my mom in the hopes I'd end up there but noooooooooo. Had to open it up. From what mom told me he was so damn happy because it would take care of the eviction we had hanging over our heads at that point. My mom told him she wasnt sure but it was possible I'd send some of it back to cover that BUT he'd have to do the right thing and send her the check so she could get it to me the next time I contacted her. I found it terribly upsetting he had the nerve to go through my mail like that. No friggin respect I swear. But yeah, when I get really upset I do have to run to the toilet or grab a bucket. I hate it.

Well mom said she was gonna call Jim and have him send it to their house. She said he would, but I have a bad feeling he simply packed it with the rest of my stuff to take with him ( he believes I'll come back to him ). Will call Toys R Us benefits on Monday and have a stop put to it and a new one cut. Been thinking today (now my head is clear)that I need to get things rolling. I had a headstart and am afraid I lost it over the last couple days. I have to out think and out geek Jim's brother Alex now. Jim is supposedly staying there. Gonna write Ke* this weekend and tell him I left Jim and no longer reside in the house. Will offer to pay my HALF of what is owed. Gotta get the PeCo bill and the Verizon and will arrange to pay those. Jim will need to deal with the rest. Gotta get my name off the Kia pink too. A trip to the pawn shop to get rid of that gold leash is in order too. A call to Greyhound for a Discover pass....hmmm so much to do. Gonna start back at the beginning of our relationship and explore what happened all along and deal with my feelings while Im at it.

Even though Im sure the note left no uncertain terms that I wasnt coming back, Jim still had hopes I would return and we could fix things. Damn idiot. I tried for years suggesting that maybe we needed to go to therapy or get some sort of help...but no, he thought things were fine. You'd have to be blinder than Stevie Wonder and deafer than Beethoven not to notice there were problems all along and that it was going down hill fast. Even our good friend G* noticed and he was only around us every other year or less.

I never called TRU benefits on Monday as mom called on Sunday (the up coming entry) and assured me he sent it. I couldnt reach the other creditors except Kia and there wasnt much I could do there until I sent proof of 01) who I was and 02) a new address. Basically I was screwed there until I settled down. The ring was dealt with later. I never pawned it because it had been a gift from him and I didnt want any money that had even been remotely connected to something that was his.

Greyhound used to have a Discover Pass that allowed you to travel as much as you wanted in 30 days. It beat waiting in lines at ticket counters. The bad thing was my id was expired and I needed id to get the ticket. This particular branch of Greyhound was being a stickler too (enter another meltdown for me).

Knowing Jim was at his BILs house struck fear into my heart as I knew Alex was really good with computers and was (is) smart as all hell. I knew if anyone in the family could find traces of where I was headed it more than likely was him. However, I found out later that Jim gave him and the family such grief that Im beginning to think he stopped wanting to help him. Somehow, I think they realized in a shorttime what I had been through and felt sorry for me. From what I heard later, dingbat Jim would wait until after everyone was in bed or not around and then call my family members to find out if they'd seen me. Yep, long distance calls without permission. Like they'd not find out ...there is a thing called a bill ya know.

I spent most of my time at my brother's house job hunting and sending my resume out everywhere (well almost everywhere...I kept it to the west and southwest states as that's where I was targeting to live). Unfortunately, since I wasnt instate for most of them my resume was circular filed. I did get a few hits, but not enough.


ChicagoLady said...

I haven't ever commented on any of your diary entries, because I knew how difficult re-hashing all this has been, and I didn't want to make anything worse for you. I would just like to say, you were very brave to leave like you did, and it's obvious how much happier you are now. Hugs!

LadyStyx said...

Yes, it's very difficult. However, as I type I realize I've missed telling alot of stuff. I may go back over certain areas again later and go into greater detail. Of course I may not...it all depends on if I feel it's all out of my system at that point. I cant wait til it's all done and I can go back to my good memories area of my life.