"Your words have no power to alter the truth. Your perception does not affect any reality but your own... it is your words and deeds that cast your reflection. "

~Luna Jade, musician

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Entry for January 09, 2007

I want to apologize for that last entry and the shortness of it. I had an emergency come up that simply could NOT be avoided in the least. If you want the details it's in my primary LadyStyx1969 blog. Anyhow...where were we? Oh yeah...how ironic I'd be writing about having to call an ambulance for my now ex and then have to actually HAVE to call one for myself....very very ironic.


Called M* next to see if I could get a ride to the hospital. It took forever as she has voicemail and not a real answering machine so she never got the message. Only reason she knew something was up is that she heard me talking loud and banging on her door (on which I found a 5 page note attached when I let the ambulance people in). She came to the door and I told her that I needed a ride to the hospital, Jim had tried to commit suicide. She sent me R* . After I hung up the phone (because I speaking to her and not via phone, I called my friend in upstate and they attempted to calm me down as I was getting dressed (man I was pissed at everyone at this point). Then I called my mom to put Jim on a prayer list. Left with R* for the hospital. Ended up spending 3-4 hours there. Had to talk to a crisis councellor. It was so embarrassing. They wanted to keep him for observation but gave us the choice (as long as he went to outpatient therapy) to have him stay or go. We opted for bringing him home (if I knew he wouldnt call the therapist, I woulda left him there). Since that Saturday, he has made more references to "finishing the job". They are getting fewer and farther in between ...at least that I've noticed. He knows it upsets me so he doesnt let me hear that talk anymore. Of course there is alot that I refuse to listen to anymore. Got tired of hearing it so I block it out now. Sunday was uneventful (relatively speaking)...more depressing talk about him finishing it off. Have since told him that nothing I say or do is gonna change things so I refuse to listen anymore and why try? Monday we got a call from M*. She read a prepared statement saying she had filed a complaint against Jim. Next contact will result in his arrest. . The weekend didnt want to quit. I simply couldnt believe it. Tuesday was more calm, except Jim starting to incessantly pray (more like muttering all the time). By Wednesday, the last straw was put on the camel's back.

I shoulda left his butt in the hospital. I somehow KNEW he'd pull what he did. He'd call and leave a message for the psychiatrist and unfortunately neither would be available when they'd call back. The biggest problem is that he'd never leave a good time for them to call. I suspect that they'd called a couple times and he'd ignored the phone like he was prone to do because HE didnt believe HE had a problem. After a while, he quit calling (although for a while he did his best to get me to believe he was still calling them).

That Saturday...I remember calling the church he belonged to. I was trying to get the pastor or a couple of the guys over to the hospital to be with him for a bit. You'd think if a man's wife calls and says her husband tried to commit suicide, that SOMEONE would drop everything and hurry over. Some meeting took precidence over a paritioner in trouble though. This really soured me against them at that point. To be honest, I havent been to a church since. Im sorry to say, but the people that should have been there in our time of need failed us miserably in the time we needed them most. They managed to haul their butts over AFTER we got back to the apartment *insert eye roll*. At that point I didnt want to see the lot of them, but I was gracious enough to allow them access to my house without fussing about it. They prayed over the rooms in the apartment and sat and attempted to council us. It made him feel better, but somehow knew things were going to get much much worse before things would get better. I knew what I needed to do, but as a person that has compassion for others no matter what they've done I simply couldnt do it while the apartment was under suicide watch.

Sunday was all "I shoulda finished the job"...I was beginning to wish he HAD been successful at that point to be honest. I got so tired of hearing it that I said so. I didnt dare say anything about "then why dont you" or "I dont believe you" because the last time he pulled something similar (he was eternally attempting to quit KMart and then removing the 2 weeks notice before the boss got to it) I out n out said "I dont believe you will...you never do" . He actually managed to quit when he didnt mean to (it was a threat and nothing more that time.... heleft it in the inbox just one day too long because of my comment and his boss got tired of his games and fired his butt). Once I told him I wasnt listening to that crap no more, it lightened up but Im sure he kept repeating it in his room. Then there was all that muttering...ugh. He said he was praying but it certainly didnt sound it to me. I got so I was ignoring that as well. I just found it annoying.

Original entry written in Yahoo 360 on Tuesday January 9, 2007 - 12:23pm

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