"Your words have no power to alter the truth. Your perception does not affect any reality but your own... it is your words and deeds that cast your reflection. "

~Luna Jade, musician

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

When I originally started this I was using the actual names all the way through. I've since decided it wasnt really wise to do such so I went thru and replaced them all with the first initials. Again, there's a fair warning for those who dont like TMI. Sorry to say but this is a part of the story like it or not.

Entry for March 25, 2007

Sorry it's taken so long to get back to this. I had a feeling this was going to happen, infact I remember mentioning that I'd probably stall through this. It's a terribly uncomfortable and awful time in my life and I've been trying so damn hard for the last couple years to forget most of it.

Anyone who has been following this...you'll notice I took the names outta the blog and left the first initial with an * by it. I did this to protect the identities of those people. Something I should have done when I first started. The only ones not protected are old bosses and the jerk himself as HE doesnt deserve protection. G* was ( but not now) Jim's bestfriend incase I didnt explain it, M* was (again but not now) our upstairs neighbor and R* was her fiance.


Nothing more embarrassing than to have to finish ya self off. So why bother when I can do it myself? I wasnt going to get preggers with him anyway. Ive hinted , begged and asked him to go to the doctors. Even to the point of knowing he had to go for a physical and telling him to have EVERYTHING checked out. No avail. He simply wont. So now I have a husband that doesnt release at all...only once and that was before we were married. No orgasm, no semen, no nothing.Which means no baby, no family. I am tired of being this way. So 6 years ago I discovered the 'net and chatrooms. Oh the variety of people. It enraptured (for the want of a better word) me. So many people all WANTING to talk to me. I made several friends very quickly. Alot of guys were drawn to my nick and were much more than happy to keep me occupied. Many wondered why I was online all the time if I had a husband. Jim never fussed as I was quiet and content and he had his books and tv. Never did he realize he was putting the wall that exists up...brick by brick, show by show. I met several guys that became regular flirting partners....some married , some not. I fell head over heels in love and repeatedly been hurt...until Texas came.

Embarrassing to say I had to resort to finishing myself off. If he knew, he'd probably have hit the roof. For all I know that's exactly what he was doing in "HIS" room all the time. I know for a fact he had pictures in there (man I despised that) that I wanted him to get rid off. Worse yet he'd gotten into my yearbooks and cut out pictures of the cheerleaders. Bad enough he mutilated my yearbooks but not one picture he took was of me. He should have left those books alone and just looked at them and I wouldnt have been the wiser. As it is he ruined those last few memories I had of school.... as such I left the books behind when I left. Why take them when I was still missing pictures out of them. I dont need that constant reminder of what he did.

I realize now, that the chatrooms were no better than him and his pictures but Im telling you if it was good for the goose than the gander needed to get some of the same! The guys in the first rooms I went to were so damn sweet to me. We'd sit and talk about nothing and everything. There was one who'd talk to me everyday. He was a Brit living in Saudi...he was helping me brush up on my French and was teaching me a few phrases in Arabic as well. That guy ended up moving to Taiwaan when the fighting started over there and I havent heard from him since. There was another in Florida that would sit and talk...he was a sweetie with a gf he adored and a beautiful son. Then there was the guy in Indiana (?) that sounded like he was from Alabama..funny guy with an awesome family. I got to talk to his wife once...told her how lucky she was to have a great guy at her side. The guys all seemed drawned to me due to my nick. At the time I was running the nick gypsysbaby...a tip of the hat to my mom who used to cb with the nick gypsylady.

While I was online, Jim never complained because the only noise I'd make was the typing and an occasional laugh at something funny. I had a headset and played my music while chatting so now n then I'd start to sing a little but not much because I'd get shhhhed. *rolls eyes* Only time he really complained was when he wanted to go to bed and I wasnt tired so I'd stay up. The light from the monitor would shine into the bedroom so I ended up moving the desk to another part of the livingroom so it wouldnt do that. I discovered online chat in the one apartment....and it continued into the duplex. By the time we moved to Pa...many of my friends had poofed and I ended up in a new site. This is where I eventually met Texas. He came along after a couple others had already messed with my emotions bigtime. So I was very wary.

Original entry written in Yahoo 360 on Sunday March 25, 2007 - 12:38pm (CDT)

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