"Your words have no power to alter the truth. Your perception does not affect any reality but your own... it is your words and deeds that cast your reflection. "

~Luna Jade, musician

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Entry for September 25, 2006
Well ok...so...I'm being told my hubby (whom I really am still very pissed at) isn't really mine, but belongs to someone else. Doesnt make me feel any better tho. When we got to prayer time, I felt alone, but at the same time trapped-chained-leashed.

Services go prayer, worship, sermon and another prayertime before closing. This was after the sermon.

I will get thru this -honestly. I stood there with my eyes closed praying and all I could think was why? Why were we allowed to marry? Why did it happen? Why? Why? WHY? Well, right about now I started hearing "Im sorry my daughter"and I felt His presence right there holding me. "Im sorry daughter, but he was never meant to be for you." All I could do is start crying. The tears just poured and I couldnt stop. I didnt wail as if heartbroken, I just cried...and I felt myself rocked gently and comforted thru it all with every so often the "Im sorry " phrase...I was much more depressed than when I started as pieces started falling into place...all the trials, the fact we were never blessed (and at this point I feel we were never MEANT to be blessed)...blessings that are meant for him and for me, but will never be received while we are together. Although he wont see it at first, he will be blessed beyond belief once I go. Everything he's SUPPOSED to be getting will arrive, but not with me around. All this fell into place....next thing I know Im on my side, cant hold myself up, still crying. All my energy gone. Things moved so quickly...finally the first voices (human that is) I start really hearing belong to the pastor telling Jim to bring me up....I needed prayer. Ever so slowly, wanting to stay nailed to the spot- but yet go 'cause I needed prayer. I made my way to the front-groping- feeling my way. Jim tried to assist but I wanted none of it. Havent wanted his touch in a long time, and I really didnt want it now. It felt dirty. Went to the front and pastor placed his hands on my head and I felt that I would be going to my knees soon. I grasped his wrists for support. Someone kept insisting on touching ( I think it may have been Jim) my back or something and I remember leaning into the safety of the pastor's hands and away from the ones behind that I found so offensive. Down I go and I barely remember many of the words said. Someone yelled "Fire" repeatedly, but I felt nothing unusual (short of not being able to move at all)- no unusual reactions. Another voice was praying depression to leave me and I could hear someone asking Jim about what was going on that would be the cause of such great depression. He blamed my work and the hours. If he only knew-if he only listened to the voices talking...he'd have known the truth...but he kept on thanking God....he was so happy. Debbie placed her hand over my ear and started praying. She said later that she got knocked off her legs and thrown away from me. God is jealous and she was interfering with our conversation. It took awhile before the effects started to wear off. I had to really fight to get up. Felt weak and could only sit on the floor. Jim insisted stroking my hair and I kept trying to move away from him....he just wouldnt catch the hint. All he was doing was giving me a headache and making me tense. I struggled to my feet and we left. That night I became more silent and withdrawn then ever before. So much thinking to do. So many items to ponder.

Chained-trapped-leashed was exactly how I was feeling in the beginning. Felt so much like this that I could envision and sometimes actually feel the shackles on my legs. It wasnt a good feeling....I could almost feel them chafing my ankles. They started to feel removed when I got that rocking sensation. That rocking...it felt much like being on a parent's lap with their arms wrapped clear around you...rocking to soothe your fears or to lull you to sleep. My arms werent even folded in prayer or even up in the air praising at this point. My hands were folded over my arms like you did when you were a child cuddled in the safety of that parent's lap. I must have crumpled to the ground after a while. It wasnt a distinct fall because if it had been that I would have hit something while I went down and I didnt. I just realized I was on the ground in a fetal position as if I was curling around a teddy bear. I still cant get over the fact I was hearing words and not seeing a whole lot in pictures as usual. Those tears just kept coming. Not gasping sobs...just there and pouring down my cheeks. Ewww how I didnt want that man(Jim) touching me...his hands felt dirty and nasty and gross. Looking back I wish I had had the strength to tell him about his bad self right in the church. I was just so wiped though. I had forgotten how tired this can make you. He sat there and blamed work and the hours for my depression. Surprising how accurately they pinpointed how deep the depression was. I know he spoke to them and may have mentioned that I was depressed, but Im sure he didnt know how deeply it ran. He was just so happy I was getting help. *Ugh* please. It just made me worse because I knew what needed doing. I think subconciously I knew he was doing something wrong and was a hypocrite to the nth degree. Not only had I gone to a bigger store with more responsibilities, but somehow on an animalistic level I knew he was up to no good. As I look back, I am wondering if God was trying to get it taken care of, but his agents wouldnt or couldnt do what they should with me in the way. I am sure that Michelle (the neighbor upstairs that I find out later he was stalking) didnt want to call the police on him because she didnt want me hurt in anyway. I feel sure there may be a few more out there that were the same way.
While the congregation was praying, I think the "Fire" I was hearing was them trying to summon the fire of the Holy Spirit for a cleansing. It's highly possible. I know it didnt last long so Im guessing they were instructed by higher up to stop. As for Debbie ( a heavy set lady of the church and the only name I remember from there), she was interfering with a conversation and evidentally Our Father was talking in that particular ear and since she didnt get the hint...He just removed her like He would a child.. I felt so weak afterwards. I didnt really sit...I was more like still on my side and propped up with my arm. I was more depressed than when it all started and almost didnt want to go the next night....but I knew I needed to so I could get the rest of the answers to the questions I had.
I was entirely certain at that point that each of us would be blessed after I left. Well, at least get what we deserved. Looking back, I guess we did. I ended up with a great man who treats me like a queen and I've been given happiness. Jim, well he got what he deserved too....hopefully he got the help he needed to get where he has to go.

Original written in Yahoo 360 on Monday September 25, 2006 - 11:11am

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