"Your words have no power to alter the truth. Your perception does not affect any reality but your own... it is your words and deeds that cast your reflection. "

~Luna Jade, musician

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The Great Escape

04/16/2003- 04/17/2003

This entry was written over the course of 2 days. I cant really remember why. According to those dates I was at my brother's house so it's possible I got interrupted, or started it late at night and decided to pick it up in the morning. I do know I dont like to be disturbed while Im writing (to the point I dont blog when hubby's home...although he does have access to them to read) so it's possible the former was the case.

Ok, I did it. I finally left him. Monday was a real pisser of a day. We got up and things seemed to be ok. I had already had things ready to go. Well he called Copeland Ministries to see if they could help us out financially. I dunno the results of the call. All I know is that I heard him crying in his room-loudly. I called him out for lunch. When he finally did, he was looking very miserable indeed. I am so sick of being his momma and picking up the pieces. Well we went to the livingroom and as we were eating he went to pieces. I took his bowl and brough both to the kitchen, grabbed tissues and brought the tissues to him. I didnt know what to do, nothing I ever said made things better or helped him and now was no different. How do you comfort a person that doesnt want to be consolled? After a few minutes I got up and called K* (my sis in love). Well he wandered out and demanded to know who I was talking to and he wasnt even nice about it. Sheesh. Drove the nail home for me. So when he *finally* kissed me before leaving and hugged me, I had my mind on the bags that were packed.

Boy is this entry a mess. At least there's enough here to bring back the memory so I can describe it better.

He didnt just look miserable...he was a total wreck after the call so my best guess is that they'd told him no. We sat in the livingroom to eat as we usually did and he just sat there with his bowl in his hands blubbering like some 3 yr old child. All I could think of was damn...he'd yell at me for crying and I wouldnt even be carrying on like that. At least while I cried I had the presence of mind to wipe my damn nose and not let it drain into my food. *UGH* I so lost my appetite right then. I had absolutely no compassion for this type of behavior. A few years back, maybe, but now? Ummm nope. Does this make me sound like a cold hearted bitch? Probably, but I was beyond caring at that point after all the shit he'd put me through. I ended up throwing the food away as I had no appetite and he'd ruined his. We didnt even have a refrig at the time so I could save my share for a bit later. It would have been nice to have a small meal in my stomach before I left. After disposing of the food (not that it was much more than a bowl of hash), I called my SIL and was talking to her in the kitchen. Im guessing he snapped out of it when he realized he no longer had a friggin audience and came looking for me to keep up the performance. When he saw me on the phone he asked who and quite loudly to the point my SIL heard him. I told her, see what I mean? I told him who and walked away from him and back to the livingroom. Next thing I remember is him slamming the door to either the bedroom or his "space". After cooling down, he got himself ready for work. When he was ready he acted like nothing happened at all. I mean WTF!!?? He kissed me and wanted a hug and noticed I wasnt hugging back (ding...ummm clue here...stupid ass). I wasnt even thinking of him...just the fact that as soon as he was around the corner I was grabbing my stuff and going. He asked what my plans were for the day since I had told him I was doing such a good job at work they gave me the next couple days off. I told him I was going to get the taxes done around the corner. He left with a bounce in his step and waved good bye.

He wasnt much down the road when I grabbed the rest of what I could carry and bolted for good. Headed for the bus stop and never looked back. Got my poor self turned around and headed in the wrong direction. I realized it about an hour later and got going the right way. After a while I realized I hadnt seen any Greyhound depot. I stopped into a flooring store and some sweet little old angel gave me a ride to where I needed to be (I had simply gone past it as it wasnt labelled Greyhound). Made it in time for the 4pm bus.

Oh boy did I ever bolt. I grabbed the last of what I wanted (except a few things Im wishing I'd grabbed but forgotten), petted the cats one last time, walked out the front door, tossed the keys onto the livingroom floor and locked the door behind me so I couldnt get back in. No turning back at that point. Well, I actually do remember turning and looking back once. I wish I hadnt because my cats had gotten into the window on the side and were watching me go down the sidewalk away from them. Im pretty sure they have abandonment issues now because of me. God that sucks I wish I could have taken them.... both my tuxedoed loves and my Mackie (he is a fluffy yellow tiger). It would have been nice to have my sweeties with me. I miss them so damn much.

I had been under the impression the depot was past the post office and had headed in that direction. When I was about 30 minutes past there I realized I was going in the wrong direction and headed the otherway so about 90 minutes later is when I got to the flooring place. Two and a half friggin hours on a hot day carrying 3 heavy totes and a purse. I was so damn tired and had stopped at the store simply to cool off. An older lady in there saw my disheveled state and asked if she could help. I told her I needed to get to the bus station but was too hot to move anymore for the moment. She offered me a lift and I (against everything I was taught) accepted it with gratitude. This wasnt the first, nor was it the last time I had to accept help from strangers this trip. When I got there, I realized that my id was expired. Man, I'd been intending to get it renewed but something always seemed to get in the way. The lady behind the counter took one look at me and seemed to know my story without me saying anything. She let me buy my tickets anyhow.

Cried when I left knowing I wouldnt ever see my cats again. It still saddens me to think that I had to leave mine behind...


ChicagoLady said...

I bet the cats knew you were getting out for a reason. Believe that they went to a good home and someone loves them half as much as you did.

LadyStyx said...

Yes I think so. Fizzi, who was always so social around everyone (she was my perfect little hostess), even got so she didnt want to be around him. She'd only behaved like that two other times. On both occasions I had to throw those people out of my house.