"Your words have no power to alter the truth. Your perception does not affect any reality but your own... it is your words and deeds that cast your reflection. "

~Luna Jade, musician

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Entry for September 26, 2006
I know it's been a few days. It's so hard to do this on weekends.... Dont think I've spoken to him much since that night at church. Been very quiet in the car. He wants to ask (and has only a couple times)... but I think he's afraid to now. Last time he asked I told him he wasnt ready to hear what needed to be said, nor was I ready to tell him. He's been skirting the issue ever since. On Thursday (the second day of prayer services), we went again and this time I went up to be annointed for prayer. Jim returned to our seats, but I stayed up front. I felt sooooooooooooooo freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! Just me and God. It was very powerful. No thoughts, no distractions, no nuffin............ Felt great. Was able to give my all... again, a silent car trip. Been having those alot lately, I know he wants to talk, but I simply am not ready.

Oh gosh this prayer service was great. I felt the shackles fall off and a deep peace fall over me. Not enough peace to take things up with him, however....but enough I knew I would be able to handle nearly anything thrown at me.

Let's back it up a bit now to the Sunday before New Years. Had a decent day and we were expecting G* to come in. Couldnt wait to see him again. Well at 550pm I called home for a ride. No answer. I figure, ok G*'s there and they're talking and dont hear the phone. So I call continuously for the next 15 minutes and then called M*. Told her I'd been calling and calling and would like to go home....When I got done with her I called home one more time to no avail and went back to work. At 615pm I called and again no answer so I left a message. Ok I admit it wasnt nice, but I was pissed at this point. Felt unimportant and underappreciated. So I asked one of the gals to bring me home because I wasnt sure Jim got the message or not. I guess 10 minutes after Grizelle and I left, Jim showed up and they said I left. G* said Jim got mad...

Mad is a total understatement. G* said he was furious and screamed and hollared all the way home. At least he was seeing what I was going through and wasnt going to doubt anything I had to tell him later.

Grizelle and I had a nice long talk and we discussed EVERYTHING. Thoughts and feelings. She agreed with my analysis of the entire marriage. I am so ready to go. When I got home I went upstairs to visit M* and R*. Had a nice cuppa tea with them and we chatted. Jim got home and checked the messages I guess, then called up.Threw a fit that I was there. Well M* gave him what for and told him Id be down when I was done with my tea. Then she proceeded to make me another cup LOL! When I got calmed down (as I arrived pissed off) I went downstairs. Must've been about 8pm or so.

Oh I was so fed up at him. I had called and I know the message was given to him that I was calling. How hard would it have been to pick up the phone and leave a message at the store that he was on his way? Nooooo....I find out later that he just grabbed his jacket and left. Dontcha think that if you get the message that the person you're picking up has been calling ad naseum regarding the ride...that maybe just maybe they're kinda pissed by now and that a call saying you're on your way is in order???

G* got up and greeted me when I got home but Jim....oh no....just sat there and fumed. Not one word. So I said let me change and I'll be right out. Got comfy and soaked my work shirts. Went back to the livingroom and asked if we were going out or pizza delivery in. G* said out so I said ok let me do a couple things and I'll be right with ya. When I was done, grabbed my belly bag and went to the livingroom. Ok all set. We left. Well G* and I did. Jim more like stormed out. I sat in the back seat cuz I really didnt feel like talking to him...not if he was gonna be an asshole. He drove us to the restaurant....if you can call it driving. More like the Indianapolis 500.... We got to the Diner and Jim tells me to sit over with G*. Ok, well fine, I will.

Saying that he was having a hissy fit would be putting it mildly. I must remind you...this was before New Years in Pa...which means snow and the roads were icy. Plus the town we lived in, the roads were fairly narrow with onstreet parking...no driveways. After 8pm, meaning most people were home now and alot of cars were parked on the sides of the streets. When we got to the diner, he didnt just tell me to sit with his best friend...but more like snarled it. I was sooooo embarrassed. More so for G* than I was for myself. The look on G*'s face said it all. Best friends for years and each time he visited, the visit quality went downhill.....and this was the worst by far. He'd driven in from another state to visit and was treated like shit. Top things all off, while we were at home he couldnt be bothered to go to the back of the apartment to see if we could talk it out first. He just sat and fkn stewed in his rocker.

Original post written in Yahoo360 on Tuesday September 26, 2006 - 01:37pm

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