"Your words have no power to alter the truth. Your perception does not affect any reality but your own... it is your words and deeds that cast your reflection. "

~Luna Jade, musician

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

For those that dont like TMI, consider this your one and only warning that the last section in this entry does contain some.

Entry for February 07, 2007

03/17/03 Cont.

Well it's been a busy 6 months. Have been reviewing my life in general and not liking where I've been at all. Too much crap happening the last 12 years and I was too stupid to question things from the very beginning. I should have known from the very start it would never work out. Let's look at the very beginnings:

Jim and I met at KMart. I had always been warned about seeing someone at work, that it would be trouble. Unfortunately, I was 20 and lonely. Mom had been married and was pregnant with #2 by now...I felt like an old maid and it didnt look like anyone was gonna come along any too soon. All my friends at work had been thru several boyfriends (and fantastic lookers too) so things were fepressing and lonely. When I saw (or should I say noticed) Jim, he was "chasing" another gal in my department around pretty good. She was exasperated as she really didnt like him at all, but he simply wouldnt leave her alone. Unfortunately, she was way too nice to tell him off (which is as I see now, what he needed then). I tried to keep them apart at first as it was interrupting work on our side of the store. When she left the store to go to school, she left me her number. He found out and proceeded to use me to get thru to her. I really liked him alot at this point and figured if I was compliant, he'd see what was infront of him and forget the one who didnt want him at all.

Number 1 mistake, dont get involved with a co-worker. Number 2 mistake, if said co-worker has the hots for someone else dont bother trying. The biggest mistake (other than getting involved with him) was not realizing that "chasing" for what it was. With 20/20 I realize that this was the first stalking I was aware of. I've heard that he had "chased" others that worked in the same store before. Lord knows he was probably still stalking them while he was stalking this one. It was so bad that he even had her phone number as the combo to the lock on his briefcase!!

I remember this girl very well though. There was nothing remarkable about her...she was small, dainty, braces, blue eyes and blonde hair. She wasnt beautiful, but pretty in her own way. She was as sweet as pie though and didnt have a mean bone in her body, which explains why she didnt tell him to go to Hell. I really have regretted helping him out during this time because it got me nowhere. He never ever really saw she didnt like him and never realized what he had infront of him. In 10+ yrs of marriage he never even saw what he had until I left. During those 10+ yrs our marriage was haunted by the memories of this girl and I've hated every moment that she had control over what should have been mine. I eventually realized she was going to stay in control in the marriage and I suspect all the abuse I endured is because I couldnt be molded into looking like her. I was too tall, a couple years older and big boned. No way in HELL would I ever look like her even at my thinnest.

Several months went by and my relationship with her fizzled as all we talked about was him and she refused to talk to me any longer. I spent these months trying to be a friend and help him get over her, much of the time was after work and were late late nights. He eventually turned to me and latched on tight (I know now I was the rebound and have been for 11 yrs...he just doesnt realize it). I was sure I was in love, but looking back I realized I was desparately not wanting to grow old alone. He, too, was desparate, as he lived home with the folks and his sisters were married with kids. Both alone and virgins and no one else showing an interest in either of us. But I look back now and realize he needed no-one. He had his books, hobbies and tv and that's all he really wanted. It was me that needed the additional social interaction. It's all that either of us needed.

I dont know why I used the term relationship...it was a close friendship at best. I was, as I usually am nowadays, right smack in the middle of things and when the shit gets deep...Im the one who drowns in it. At first, I'd call her once a week and we'd talk about school and work and girly stuff. Once he found out I had her number, he'd give me a list of questions so I could pump her for info. No sooner I'd be off the phone with her then he'd be calling me for the answers. God help me if I didnt have the answers he wanted or ones at all because I'd hear about it right then. Never ever should I have helped him like that. I feel so bad she got betrayed that way. It got so she'd never answer the phone anymore and the one time she did she asked me to stop calling. I should have told him off and dropped things right then. The signs were all there right in the beginning that he would be an abusive partner. Shit he was abusive then and this was 2 yrs or so before we got married.

I see now I am not the right person for him, but after 10+ yrs of marriage he depends too much on me. His ways have never changed tho. He still insists on quiet during tv and reading and loves to go by himself in his room. his excursions to his area would go from 30 minutes to several hours. I would spend more and more time ALONE. The only time I got to watch what I wanted was when he went to his room. It was so lonely, as he never seemed to want to spend time with me. Always reading, tv and room. When he started with his hobby AND time to play his guitar it was the last straw. I realize that it was then I started to pull away. I was thinking about other men more and more frequently. We wont even mention the lack of intimacy. Seemed he never wanted sex and I did. Had to chase him around when I wanted some "exercise". And you know, I've finally gotten tired of it. When I finally got him to bed, I'd need to work him up and then *POOFIES* it was gone before I could much less get any.

He'd go to his room even when I was visiting his folks house and stay in there for 30-45 minutes and then wonder why I was asleep on the sofa when he got back in. Well golly gee...maybe because I was friggin bored to death??? God forbid if I'd changed the channel while he was out. Worse yet was if I wanted to go in and sit with him or ask him a question because he'd have that damn door locked. I remember one fight we had, I had knocked on the door because I was pretty much ready to go home as I was bored and tired. He refused to answer it and his mom got pissed so she yelled in for him to unlock the door. He complied and I walked in to ask him when he wanted to take me home (I dont drive...never have ..and it would have been a 5 mile walk in the dark). He went off on me and got in my personal space (I may mention this later in the diary, I dont really remember if I covered it). When he got too close and looked like he was going to hit me, I stepped back and fell on my ass in his closet breaking a model he'd been working on. His parents came rushing in at the crash and saw him over me and hollared at him. He stormed off and out the door for a walk. I was very upset and said I was walking home. His father informed me no that I wasnt walking home and his son can damn well take me home when he gets back (that should have been a flag as to how HE'D be). It continued the downward spiral when we got our own place. The only difference was that he stopped locking the door. More and more time spent away....I got tired of being alone. Episodes like this have formed my behavior now. I hate to be alone for so long although this hubby's work is the reason for the long times alone....at least I get some time with him afterwards.

Original entry written in Yahoo 360 on Wednesday February 7, 2007 - 02:00pm

No comments: