"Your words have no power to alter the truth. Your perception does not affect any reality but your own... it is your words and deeds that cast your reflection. "

~Luna Jade, musician

Friday, June 15, 2007

In these entries you'll see 2 dates. The entry date for when I put it in my Yahoo 360 and the second is the date I actually wrote it in the diary. I stopped writing in it shortly after I moved to Texas because I had a wonderful man and was happy. I may go into more detail later into some of these. Ive spent the last 3 years trying to forget some of this stuff. Sometimes things just simply backflash on me, triggered by some action, smell or word. Explanations to each entry will be in a different font and color to make it easier to keep track. Im going to put my comments from this blog in the default color, the Yahoo comments in purple and the diary entry in blue italics. I hope this helps. Unless you're colorblind, then you're pretty much screwed.

Entry for August 15, 2006
Ok. So all my life I have felt journalling was an immensely silly idea and actually couldnt understand why Jim insisted on doing one. But after prayer services the other night someone suggested it and I do have to admit writing it (and I have told some of these often enough by now) has become theraputic for me. I have discovered I have quite the support structure thru work and online. The last 4 months have been a real trial and extremely eye opening. The last 2 days have placed some pieces of my life's puzzle to help me see why certain things have been happening for our entire marriage. The feeling that this marriage is broken is compounded by what I have seen, felt and heard during these 2 days. So hense this journal. A way to explore questions fully and save what little sanity I have remaining.

***NOTES: You'll notice each entry is rather confusing and many times will be shorter than what I normally type as I was writing them out longhand at the time. I got in the habit of carrying a spiral notebook with me when I went to work and hid it when I got home. If anyone sees anything in here that looks even remotely familiar in any way...whther it's a friend..a co-worker....a sister...cousin....family....yourself... I highly encourage a trip to the councellor. I only pray that these words will help another who finds herself in the same situation. Dont go through it alone...there IS help out there.

Gonna write K* (wait just do it now silly). BRB. Ok. Dropped a YM to K* asking her to send me a list of questions that a therapist would ask a person in my situation so I could explore all facets. Maybe to make this easier, I'd better start discussing what happened at church to make me so sure that this marriage isnt just broken, but never should have been. Wednesday night we went to prayer services. It was my first night at this church and I was nervous. So many new people and Jim had been talking nonstop about me. I hate being at a disadvantage like that. Well, anyway, services got started. I like this pastor. He's a big stuffed teddy bear. Well I guess when they do prayer, they turn the lights down to make it more private. Cool by me....as far as I was concerned it didnt matter one way or another- but I digress. Well as I was praying and getting myself where I needed to be it felt like I was being hugged and next thing I knew I was crying....sobbing uncontrollably. It felt like I was being held by my daddy. My mind raced over the teachings about obedience and how He is a jealous God. Then..the following words came to mind....
"Im sorry my daughter, but he was never meant for you...you were never supposed to marry him." (or was it you were never meant to marry?)
Anyway the feeling that we were supposed to only be guides for each other was extremely strong....

***NOTES: When I say I felt like I was being hugged...there was no one physically touching me. I felt like a little child sitting on my daddy's lap with his arms clear around me. I seem to remember feeling like I was being rocked like in a rocker... in such a way that a parent would rock a child to soothe them. This was also one of the few times I actually heard the words. There were no pictures in my mind at this point. Just the words. That feeling I has about being guides makes sense too, yet I still dont understand it. Im now thinking that this was one of those friends for a reason or season thingys. For a while the entries were very short because I didnt have a whole lot of time. I was writing at work during lunch and never wrote in it at home because it wasnt time for him to know about this yet. I'll type more later, they'll either have one or two entries and notes as I have them here. I dont want this to be too long of a read at any one sitting.

Original entry written in Yahoo 360 on Tuesday August 15, 2006 - 02:52am

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