"Your words have no power to alter the truth. Your perception does not affect any reality but your own... it is your words and deeds that cast your reflection. "

~Luna Jade, musician

Monday, June 25, 2007

Continuation from the 360 story

When we'd left, I'd been hurt repeatedly by lowlifes that I usually refer to as "playas and plastic people". None of them wanted anything really serious, they just wanted another conquest to notch onto their belts. I, on the otherhand, was looking for a way out of where I was and wanting someone who wanted me for ME...not for what I could do to make their life easier. That's where I was already....secretary, housemaid and source of income and that's the last thing I wanted. I was looking for someone to be equal partners with. Then shortly after Christmas that year Texas came along. Oh no not the other 2 Texans I had been talking and getting nowhere with, this one was different. He didnt want any of the nasty talk that the others wanted. He just wanted a friend to chat with...to ease his lonely days.


Texas has been showing me that old fashioned romance. He is so sweet. Just the type I've needed all along. He is a little younger than me and unlike most online guys hasnt talked his way into my passions, just my heart.

We've (Jim and I) been in Pa for several months now. The arguing has gotten more frequent and increasingly violent. Topics always are stupid things too. Alot of times it's the jobs or M* or money. He's taken to calling me at work at least once a day, but more like 3 or 4 and always for stuff we can discuss in the car. Often these calls lead to fighting. Am tired of that. Last fight we had was on the 5th of the month. I had discovered that Friday my new job was an every-other-week paycheck job. We had already gone through the $240 of my previous check and paid bills n such and were done to $5. Well he got home Friday and I had gone to bed early as I was running fever and was depressed. He threw a fit cuz I wasnt up to cook his supper. I was at the point of relaxation that I couldnt move or say anything if I had wanted to. Well he fussed and swore a good long time. Finally he was quiet. He came in and kissed my cheek and said he was home and he was making popcorn. What a hypocrite! To trash talk me and then pull a Judas. Well he got to bed a bit later.

I never could get him to understand that he couldnt call me at work so often, most especially at this store because most times I was the only one on the floor and customers came first. During my first few days at this store we were prepping for inventory and the lady who dressed the windows (we were in a mall remember) had come in two days running sick as a dog. I told her not to be so close to me while ill but she professed it was just allergies and nothing bad. Yeah BS. I ended up so sick. Around this time Jim *FINALLY* got a damn job at WalMart (thanks to his WIFE filling out the paperwork...damn idiot) and this particular night he'd been scheduled to go in for training. Knowing he wasnt going to be picking me up I told him to NOT dead bolt the front door as I didnt have a key for that nor the back door. Friggin idiot threw the deadbolt on the way out that night so when I got home I was locked out. I had to ask M* to take me to WalMart to get the key from him. She was upset and gave me the cash for a copy so I had my own from now on. When I went in, I had to have him called out to layaway so I could talk to him. I cant believe he couldnt tell then that I was sick. Under those bright lights, he HAD to have noticed how damn flushed I was with fever. I got the copy, gave him his keys and went home. Not to say I was sick but I didnt even fire up my computer and everyone KNOWS how I am about my computer and keeping up on my emails. Even if he couldnt tell under the lights that I was sick surely he should have when he kissed my cheek right? Nope. Stupid fk...even M* could tell at a glance.

Slept until the alarm and got up. Got myself going and shook him awake. He asked about the check and I told him that there wouldnt be one. He blew a gasket and then told me I needed to call my folks (like they have spare money to help..sheesh). Told him I would that night and he blew again that I shoulda called the night before, told him I was sick n went straight to bed and the fight got worse. We got to cussin and cursin like you wouldnt believe. The fight actually made it outside, it's a wonder the cops werent called. He went back into the house calling me a fucking bitch and I chased him in and for the first time I fought back. Told him if he didnt get his ass in the car right now, and get me to work , it would be job abandonment and there would be NO check NOR would I ever be hired elsewhere. Well he got to the car. As I was getting in, I noticed that as usual stuff was on my seat so I reached in to move it. In the meantime, he had gotten in and swung at the stuff on the seat. Not sure if it was purpose or accidental (all I know is that at THAT angle he HAD to have seen my hand there) but he hit me. No apology has ever been forth coming...makes me wonder what he is capable of and how much more violent his actions will be. Well I am NOT sticking around to find out. Have written the letter, cashed my check and am leaving tonight. Not sure if he consciously has a clue, maybe on a basic, animalistic level he knows something is up. I know Auggi knows and has been begging me. Been loving me up big time. I wish I could take him and Fizzi with me.

That fight was the last time I took shit from him. That night I wiped my computer completely clean....wrote down the addies I'd need and took the format disc and brought the whole thing back down to factory standards. The goal was to leave that night and be gone before morning light. It was pointed out that he may wake up though and stop me so I decided to wait until he left for work the next day. I'd talked to my boss Friday and told her what was going on and how I was going to have to deal with it. If I had just moved elsewhere and kept working there he would have made life hell for everyone and not just me. She told me I needed to do what was good for me and if leaving was the only way then so be it. I had my check on me Friday when he asked about it but I lied and said I forgot it. Saturday I cashed it while he was in the shower (went out for a walk, told him I had to get some air). Saturday night I'd conveniently "forgotten" my check again. Told him I'd grab it Sunday. On Sunday I "forgot" it again and damned if I didnt forget to grab my keys too. I'd have to get it Monday when I went in. It wasnt as if I would be able to cash it that night anyhow. Never in my whole life had I lied to someone so much. The only way I can justify it is that I was in survival mode.

The only thing I regret was leaving the cats. Auggi (my 2 yr old boy) and Fizzi (my 12 yr old girl) were a pair that werent related but sure looked like they could be with their markings. They were dark dark brown, close to black with tuxedo markings. Neither would leave me alone on the night of the 13th and they circled me all day on the 14th before I left too. This is the one sore spot I have is the fact I couldnt bring them with me. I miss them so much. Making it easier is the cat I have now, Dharma. She isnt the same though. I purposely got her so she wasnt marked the same but I was hoping attitude-wise she'd be similar. I was really hoping for one that would enjoy being held and cuddled. Dharma aint that way at all. She likes being petted, but held and sitting on my lap? Ummm nope. Ahhh well. She at least takes the edge off my pain.

1 comment:

ChicagoLady said...

The cats knew something was up, that's why they were circling you and following you. Pets are intuitive that way.