"Your words have no power to alter the truth. Your perception does not affect any reality but your own... it is your words and deeds that cast your reflection. "

~Luna Jade, musician

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Entry for November 13, 2006


I apologized profusely AGAIN to G*. He told me he was sorry. The look in his eyes told me he'd take me with him if I wanted to go. I told him I had a safe place to go if it got bad and not to worry about me. He grabbed his stuff and left. When he was gone, I calmly went to the kitchen- rinsed my stuff that I had soaking- went to the bedroom closet and pulled out one of the travel bags. I packed taking all the stuff that was major important. I even raided my cds in the livingroom and grabbed a couple items from my room. I called up to M* and R* and told R* to let me in now. Threw the phone on the box next to the lamp and locked the door behind me. When M* came back from the laundry (or wherever) , R* yelled "we got company again." I swear she was gonna cry. We talked for 20 minutes or more before Jim even missed me. Dunno what cued him off, might've been the fact I left my room's door open and I dont do that usually due to the fish/cat situation. Well, he called up and wanted to talk to me. So I took the phone and he started in with how hurtful the message was that I left. Ok, I agree, it wasnt exactly the nicest and I would have apologized for it...but the minute he used the "f" word I knew I shouldnt back down. I hung up and said if he calls again- no I dont wanna talk. Well about 5 minutes later he did call so M* talked with him. I guess he wanted her to go down cuz she said "If your own wife wont go, then I dont think it's safe for me to be down there." She sent R* down. He was gone for over an hour and while he was I gave her the full story. The years of crap I'd gotten. She bawled her eyes out. R* came back up and said Jim was calmer and was asking for me. I said NO and I was bussing to work so he could just damn well sleep in. I'd make a decision at work as to whether I'd return or not. R* called and informed Jim of what I said (the decision of which kept Jim up all night praying). I slept on the sofa (even though the futon upstairs was offered). Got up with the alarm and got ready. Already planning to leave, I just waited for the time for the bus. R* got up and offered me a cuppa tea and I said no. We talked awhile and M* got up and again I was offered tea. She made some in a travel mug. When it got time to go I grabbed my bags and M* flipped. Told me not to carry all the bags to work (what "all"? Only had one sack and a briefcase...) Come back later if necessary to pick up. If I had only taken the, I'd be saner now. A whole lot saner now. I got to work and called that friend from the night before (I had spoken to them from R*s cell phone and was told to cool off first and call back after I'd thought it over) to let them know I was ok. Still mad, but not racing hot. The friend was glad to hear that and reiterated that I could have a ride IF it was necessary. Again Im gonna say I shoulda left for good the night before and here was a second chance to leave and I didnt take it. How stupid can you be? Well, when the store opened I got a call (groan) from Jim. He was extremely apologetic. I told him he needed to start with G*. He said he'd been calling around and couldnt find him. I told him G* said something about staying in town and ther are like 3 hotels in the area. So he tried the other hotels and SOMEHOW managed to convince G* to come back. Called me back and told me. To be honest, if G* had said no Iwoulda too. I figured if it got bad, I had an escape this way. Work was uneventful that day and went muck too quickly. Jim picked me up and G* was with him. We started this visit over, but things were strained. G* told me later he's never coming back unless Jim has therapy, and there is some major changes. Cant say I blame him any...

I dont think I misread G*'s eyes that night. His face showed how worried he was. If I had known that other friend was gonna flake I woulda left that night without stopping. I dont know where I woulda ended up though. Im very sure M* felt worse than I did that night. Guarantee it would have been even worse if I'd gone without a trace like I had planned. There's a whole lot I shoulda done. I shoulda left with G*...I shoulda talked to my boss at work...I shoulda opened my mouth sooner. Im just lucky I didnt end up dead on the streets that night....worse yet dead in my own apartment.

Original entry written in Yahoo 360 on Monday November 13, 2006 - 10:57pm

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