"Your words have no power to alter the truth. Your perception does not affect any reality but your own... it is your words and deeds that cast your reflection. "

~Luna Jade, musician

Friday, June 15, 2007

Entry for September 24, 2006

Ok I guess we're seeing why I think this is silly lol. Cant seem to commit to this daily AND I get terribly sidetracked.

So if we were meant only as guides, what possessed us to marry? Both were raised that sex before marriage was a no no. I am afraid part of our trouble may have been purely physical. Two, old virgins feeling desparate that no one would ever love them. Growing up with parents that married young and friends all around that are finding their lifelong loves and marrying.

Yeah, I know another short entry. Rather strange that they are so short considering how long of an epic I usually write. I still have the belief that part of our problem was a physical one. I was coming into my prime and, being 6 years older, I think his biological clock was ticking. I know...that term is usually used with gals, but it holds true for guys too Im sure. Another part of the problem is because of my loneliness and feeling "old maidish" I was blinded to his true inner self.....even when it started to rear it's ugly head.


Ok. Seeing a pattern here. Have yet to finish a single entry thru to completion. Sincerely doubt that this one will be too, considering that Im at work. Have taken to carrying this with me to write during my free moments...but knowing the way things go, Lisa will want to have lunch and I wont get thru it then either

The above was written during a 15 minute break at work. Just so you know why there is a huge break here. Lisa was a department manager over a different area where I was then working. She'd gone through something similar and had been helping me cope with the emotions I was going through as I was pretty much becoming a wreck and falling apart before everyone's eyes.

Well I was wrong . Am sitting basically alone so maybe I can get some of this done. As I was saying...Wednesday we went to the prayer meeting. Maybe I should start from the beginning.

As per usual I started praying before the teachings. Again for this church I "saw" expansion....and really quickly. The walls, the roof all blew out in a huge explosion.....walls, dust and debris everywhere. I turned (physically as well as mentally) and could see Jim standing in the middle of it all. I know physically he was right next to me....but there he stood in the thick of it all. One thing stood out among it all. He was ALONE. Other people around yes, but not me. I felt that he had purpose there, that he'd do great things, however he couldnt do them with me around. This was piece one that fell into place. Got me to thinking....the pastor started his teaching for the night. He was talking about obedience and how God is a very jealous God. The only term coming to mind when I quick glanced at Jim was "mine". I knew then that I didnt have a broken marriage, but one that should never have been. I closed my eyes, to see if I could get clarification on this, but the thought had been so strong and insistant that I only heard it again...echoing.

Ok. As I said before, when Im praying I see things in pictures. Kinda like a child with a story book. The first church I went to in Louisiana I always had a problem with. It stagnated. I never "felt" growth for them. After a few months there I swear I heard hissing while I was praying and refused to go there again. Shortly there after, they found several in the congregation who werent who they said they were. Not only that but they undermined everything the church and school stood for and as a result, the year after I quit working for the school...many of the founding fathers (and mothers) started losing their jobs to these critters. After 2 years of this undermining, the whole infrastructure there crumbled into ruin.

The second church I went to in Louisiana was different. The first one had been huge...yet no feeling of expansion. The second one....very very tiny. Yet the church was packed out with twice the parishoners. While praying in THIS church I had that explosion feeling and "saw" the roof lift so I could no longer see it and the walls expanded out to the same result. I knew God had big plans for this group...and this was my first time in this church. I told the pastor and his wife later what I "saw" and I got pulled into their office. They hadnt told anyone yet but there were blueprints and all sorts of plans on the pastor's desk dealing with expanding the existing church. The pastor looked at his wife and asked her if she said anything as we worked at the same school at the time and she said no. So how did I find out when I hadnt been told by human methods? I certainly didnt know it before I walked in the building I didnt know anyone there...except Cathy and even she didnt know. In fact she was really surprised that I found out before she did. I hadnt talked to the pastor's wife.

Those were just showing that this wasnt a one time fluke. It's happened before. Each time my feelings were correct. So when this expansion vision came to me in Pa...I didnt doubt there was a basis for it. It was strange "seeing" all the walls and bricks scattered around and dust thick in the air. Stranger yet was seeing him there with shadows of what I am guessing were the other church goers....but considering what all happened Im wondering if they werent someone elses. *shudder* When I had this vision I physically turned as well as mentally and saw him behind me. This told me I was going to move on...and soon. That he wouldnt be following me. I had the feeling these shadowy figures were there to help him in the new direction he was to go.

Now that "mine" comment. That was plumb weird. I'd NEVER heard a voice before. Never heard words while praying...just always the pictures. It certainly wasnt my word. Nor would I repeat it over and over. I was at the "Hell No" stage so I know it wasnt me.

Original entry written in Yahoo 360 on Sunday September 24, 2006 - 11:19am

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